Bittersweet

"Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."

Romans 5:3-5

Do you ever read something that perfectly describes your current condition? Last Friday, I was reading the Savor devotional by Shauna Niequist when I was struck by a description of the bittersweet. She describes bittersweet as "the idea that in all things there is both something broken and something beautiful." A life full of bitter will depress you, but a life full of sweet will spoil you. Calluses form after repeated impact and strain to protect against further injury. Muscles rip and tear to become bigger and stronger. Our bodies develop antibodies against small doses of disease. Without struggle, we would be weak and fragile, unable to face anything outside of our sweet, familiar comfort zone. The best balance is to seek the bittersweet.
On the surface, I'm walking in a joyful, peaceful season of life. I have a job that I love, my course work is light, and I'm marrying the love of my life in 109 days. However, there is still bitterness. There are relationships that are strained or tense, and my fear of disappointing others has only grown as I've tried to become an adult overnight. Tim and I still don't know where we'll be living in 4 months, and have my student loans on our backs. I avoid constant stress by focusing on the good and acting as if nothing is going wrong, because surely God wants me to be grateful for what I have, right? My life seems so sweet right now, but perhaps the stressful aspects that I avoid or ignore are meant to magnify the good. The unknown is a biscuit for the honey of the known. Tense relationships usher gratefulness in intimate relationships. Chaos frames the masterpiece of the quiet. My life is bittersweet because the Master doesn't protect me from every pain or struggle. He knows enjoying the good only comes when you've lived the not-so-good.
Consider the story of Job. God described him as the finest man in all the earth, blameless, a man of complete integrity. Satan insisted that Job would turn against God if his health was wounded, and God allowed the enemy to attack him. After Job broke out from head to toe in boils, his wife encouraged him to curse God and move past his agony. But Job knew that blaming someone else for his circumstances wouldn't ease the bitterness, and he knew that bitterness was necessary for an abundant life. The wise words Job shared with his wife are crucial to walking with God in a broken world, a world filled with sin, sinners, and Satan.

"Should we accept only good things from the hand of God and never anything bad?"

Job 2:10

God doesn't divvy up blessings based on your personal merit. Nor does He dole out curses on those who disobey Him. Jesus was a perfect man, but his circumstances rarely were. He was born surrounded by animals, without a midwife or cradle to comfort him. He was raised a poor boy, watching his father survive off of his personal labor in carpentry. He was a misunderstood youth who couldn't relate to any of his peers. His father presumably died in his youth, as Mary was alone at the crucifixion. He was nearly murdered by his neighbors and childhood friends when he began his ministry, and was stalked by a group of arrogant know-it-alls who were constantly trying to slip him up. He was murdered by those he came to save, knowing the exact people who would eventually return to him and who would reject him. He died experiencing our every sin, and buried in a stranger's tomb. Until he was joined again with the Father, Jesus' life was bitter. His circumstances were negative for the majority of his life, yet we never see Jesus ungrateful or depressed. He never doubted his Father's love just because he was raised in poverty or misunderstood by those around him. Jesus accepted the good and the bad from the hand of God, and he never used his own miraculous power to benefit hisself. If there was anyone who the enemy attacked as fiercely as Job, it was Jesus. Neither man deserved the lots they received, but both continued to worship through the bitterness. That's where you find the sweet side of life—not in with your circumstances, but in your worship. Posture yourself to focus on the Lord, and you'll see sweet in your bitter. Like syrup over a latte, the Lord will sink down into your bitterness, your hurt, your confusion. Scripture never promises that God will take away stressful responsibilities and looming anxieties, but He does promise to never leave us. When you can't handle the pungency of life any longer, the honey is never far. 

So I'll rejoice in the unknown, the scary, the stressful, and the sad. I'll rejoice in the known, the calm, the peaceful, and the delight. I'll rejoice in every part of life because God has a plan for me. He won't leave me dangling off the edge, and He won't allow anything to happen that can't be redeemed. God is sovereign over the bittersweet, and that should bring you great joy. 

Assurance

"Then Abraham looked up and saw a ram caught by its horns in a thicket. So he took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering in place of his son. Abraham named the place Yahweh-Yireh (which means 'the Lord will provide'). To this day, people still use that name as a proverb: 'On the mountain of the Lord it will be provided.'"

Genesis 22:13-14

Growing up takes a lot of faith. 

I've been catapulted from the college, teenage world into the career, adult world over the last few months of being engaged. In four months, my fiancé and I will no longer live in dorms or our parents' homes as our peers do. We have to find a house to make our home, find a way to pay the bills, and figure out how to be a husband or wife. Needless to say, our physical and emotional resources are inadequate for the world's idea of "the good life." 

When the above flashed on screen during worship last Sunday, my mom turned to me and said, "this verse is for you and Tim."

Of course it was. Tim and I may not have extravagant resources, but we serve a God who is sovereign over time, money, real estate, opportunity, careers, and the world. We serve a God who has no limitations, inadequacies, or weaknesses. How could I have allowed myself to depend on Tim and I's production rather than God's magnificent provision? Well, Tim and I's production was visible and predictable, while God's provision is unexplainable and unpredictable. That's where faith comes in.

"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see."

Hebrews 11:1

I am the only person who can control my hope. Hope takes strength and resilience, because the world is controlled by an enemy who desires to steal, kill, and destroy any ounce of faith you have. The beauty of faith is the freedom and comfort it provides. When your future is based on your bank account, homes for sale, or the education you've obtained, you're limiting the hope you can have in Jesus. There's nothing that can stop God from radically providing in your life, but when you begin to expect God to move, your hope will bring joy and peace that worldly stability can't provide. God makes a way where there is no way. He takes our meager resources and multiplies them. The Lord desires us to have an abundant life, not a life crippled by worry and limitation. Jesus didn't give His life so that His people could be filled with anxiety, He gave His life so we could be VICTORIOUS. Your resources may be dried up, but the Lord has an oasis waiting for you. We have an assurance that the Lord loves us and will provide for us, all you have to do is trust His provision. 

For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.

Isaiah 43:19

P.S: I'm taking a leap of faith with my blog very soon, and making some changes to magnify your experience here. Stay tuned for more updates and developments... 

Freedom

"He forgives all my sins and heals my diseases. He redeems me from death and crowns me with love and tender mercies. He fills my life with good things. My youth is renewed like the eagle's!"

Psalm 103:3-5

Raise your hand if you've ever felt ashamed. Guilty. Unworthy. Chained.

I know this feeling well, as I'm surrounded by a world filled with seemingly perfect people. Whether it's the airbrushed model in an advertisement, the virtuous church member across the aisle, or the polished mother with a thriving blog and voluminous blowout, our culture presents insurmountable expectations for women to hurdle. What culture and society deems as "right" constantly changes, and by the time you've jammed yourself into a box of idealism, the standard has shifted. Imagine an acrobat striving to catch the high bar during a free-fall, failing every time, and you'll capture the condition of the human heart. Sometimes your fingers brush the cool metal, and sometimes you can't muster the courage to jump. Maybe you're so paralyzed with the fear of failure that you haven't even climbed up the platform, but remain on the ground frozen under the pressure of the fall.

This is not the life we were created for.

We were created to live under the privilege of our royal status as daughters of the King.

We were created to thrive in our natural gifting without measuring ourselves against a certain standard of creativity, beauty, value, or efficiency.

We were created to rejoice in our Father as He delights in us, His spotless and beautiful children.

In my devotional this morning, I discovered the perfect retaliation against culture's ludicrous expectations. As Paul is discussing laws and regulations regarding clean and unclean food, he asks a simple, defiant question that applies to so much more than dietary restrictions:

"For why should my freedom be limited by what someone else thinks?"

Can you say "hallelujah?"

The first churches to form after Christ's resurrection were struggling to balance cultural expectations with spiritual truths just as we are today. Today, pastors chase after culture so their church can stay relevant and trendy to high-maintenance millenials. Graphic designers create beautiful, Pinterest-worthy content to advertise Bible studies, sermon series, and worship events. Worship leaders have a definitive "look" based on the freshest lines at H&M and Pacsun. Keynote speakers walk the wobbly tightrope between building a fanbase and adhering to scripture, only to be persecuted when they go a step too far. The church today focuses so much on outward perfection that it can be easy to forget the purpose behind the polished printout. Following clothing trends is not a sin, agonizing over fonts and color schemes doesn't lead baby believers astray, and having thousands of followers on social media doesn't make you superficial. The risk of being culturally relevant is that endless striving and rebranding focuses less on faith, scripture, and grace and more on flashiness, tweeting, and screentime. When you look to Instagram or church attendance to validate you, you're ignoring the simple freedom of running with Christ. You're hovered over your computer when Jesus wants you to lay in the wildflowers. You're agonizing over the perfect morning devotional shot when the Holy Spirit is calling you to be humbly genuine. You're creating a Pinterest board of scriptures that you've never read with your own eyes in an actual Bible. Why do we succumb to the cultural pressure to compete and look a certain way when God designed us to thrive in our unique nature, barefoot and untamed? Why have we twisted Christian pillars to adhere to cultural norms?

Everyone's interpretation of freedom is different, but the freedom available to you and I as believers is clearly defined. To understand and shape your freedom in Christ, I thought it best to focus on the three principles of salvation: sola scriptura, sola gratia, and sola fide.

Sola scriptura, or by scripture alone, forms the essential moral code for Christianity. We must not check ourselves against our neighbor, a textbook, or a government, we must check ourselves against the Word of God alone. It is the only rulebook that never changes, never becomes outdated, and never fails. Live by His Word, and you'll find the life you were made for. 

Sola gratia, or by grace alone, counters any argument concerning salvation or righteousness. We are righteous by the grace of God alone. Our value in the Kingdom of Heaven is not determined by our goodness, virtue, service, or church hours. Our value in the Kingdom of Heaven is defined solely by the voluntary death of a perfect and blameless King, who walked through the same devastation and disappointment that every human does, yet escaped triumphant against sin. You cannot make yourself any more or less worthy of God's grace after accepting Christ as your savior. God is going to use you regardless of your track record or spiritual prowess. 

Sola fide, or by faith alone, is the key to the prior pillars of Christianity. Your faith in Christ alone unlocks the key to God's perfect, unending grace. Your faith in Christ alone opens your soul to the Holy Spirit, who uses scripture to lead you along the path of righteousness. Unless you believe that Christ is the Son of God, the divine and perfect King above all kings, you cannot walk in freedom. Faith is freedom. When you trust that God is who He says He is, every other truth in the Bible becomes your heart's cry. With faith, you trust that your value is found in Christ. With faith, you trust that your sin has been washed away by the blood of Jesus. With faith, you trust that nothing in this life compares to the joy found in Jesus. 

When you love God more than anything else, the shackles of society break. You cannot be bound by insecurity and comparison when your eyes are locked on Jesus. 

"So I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won't be doing what your sinful nature craves. The Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!"

Galatians 5:16, 22-23

There is no limit to the fruit you can bear through the Holy Spirit. There is no limit to the blessing that God can pour out in your life. There is no limit to the reach of Christ's redemptive power. Whether you've failed to meet the expectations of man or the commandments of scripture, take heart in this: your freedom is unlimited in Christ. Don't allow yourself to be influenced by unbiblical culture or unrealistic expectations. Spend time with the Lord daily, and discover what He has to say about living righteously. Abide in Christ, and you will bear fruit. Your worth is not determined by your own efforts, and that alone is freeing. Your worth and freedom are based solely on Christ's sacrifice for you, and that is irreversible and unchangeable. 

I love Jess Connolly's monologue on Eve. Eve may have a nasty reputation for committing the first sin, but there was a time before the Fall. No one knows how long Eve ran wild around Eden before the serpent came along. In her work Wild and Free, Connolly defines the freedom that Eve experienced with God as living "in a very pure and wild state, secure in who she was and confident in her purpose... [her] identity and purpose are uncomplicated and unhindered by [her] own insecurity or need for acknowledgement." In the Garden, Adam and Eve had ONE rule: don't eat the fruit on this tree. God didn't hand out a list of commandments until the Israelites got unruly in Exodus. Jesus came and streamlined those commandments into one rule: love God, and love others. Paul spent the majority of the New Testament sorting out cultural law from spiritual law. This reveals that God doesn't desire for us to live under a set of laws and regulations, but to run wild and carefree under His banner of love. When you find yourself securely in God's love, you'll obey and please Him out of gratitude and worship, not out of obligation or social pressure. 

"Once you had no identity as a people; now you are God's people. Once you received no mercy; now you have received God's mercy"

1 Peter 2: 10

Friends, what's more freeing than that?

2K16

2016 was a great year. While I could reminisce for paragraphs about the many highs and lows of the past 12 months, I thought instead to reminisce about all that the Lord taught me this year. 

1.     Things are never as bad as they seem. 

"For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime! 

Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning."

Psalm 30:5

      After my family went on a trip to NYC in January, I drove from Austin-Bergstrom to Baylor in tears. I wouldn't see my family again for what felt like ages, my fiancé was in another country on a mission trip, I was going back to a school where I felt out of place, and I had no idea what to expect in the new semester. I sobbed as I drove away from my family and one of the best vacations ever because I was terrified of the unfamiliar. There was no way I could have known that I would meet half of my bride tribe that semester in a Bible Study I forced myself to go to. There was no way I could have known that I would solidify friendships that were barely formed when I left for Christmas break. There was no way I could have known how much I would grieve the loss of Baylor just three months after transferring out. My perspective at the beginning of that season was dim and bleak because I was allowing myself to be guided by my own doubt and fear rather than my God's hope and joy. 

2.     Rest is good. 

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Philippians 4:6-7

      This lesson came hard at the beginning of the school year, when nearly all of my friends at Baylor joined sororities and couldn't spend as much time with me as they had before. I was crushed. Just as I had settled into freshman year, everything changed all over again. It was a miracle if I could find someone to eat dinner with on a Monday night. My days were long and empty, while everyone around me was spinning in a thousand directions. I beat myself up because everyone seemed to be busier than me, had more tasks to accomplish and more friends to meet up with. I grew weary with the ample free time my days held. Eventually, I realized that there was no point in feeling guilty for having free time. I can confidently say that those days of emptiness brought me closer to the Lord and enabled me to discover myself in a way that many of my peers didn't have the time to do. I had so much free time, in fact, that I was able to take hour-long walks every Sunday night around campus. As the sun set, I would listen to podcasts and decompress from whatever stress had accumulated the week before. My life was beautifully slow that semester, and I wouldn't sacrifice a single moment of peace for an enhanced resume. 

3.     Comparison is the thief of joy. 

"Yes, the body has many different parts, not just one part. If the foot says, 'I am not a part of the body because I am not a hand,' that does not make it any less a part of the body. And if the ear says, 'I am not part of the body because I am not an eye,' would that make it any less a part of the body? If the whole body were an eye, how would you hear? Or if your whole body were an ear, how would you smell anything? But our bodies have many parts, and God has put each part just where he wants it."

1 Corinthians 12:14-18

      This is a lesson that everyone, especially women, struggle with throughout their life, and the Lord truly hammered this truth to my soul this summer serving as a camp counselor. I was a seasoned expert when it came to comparing myself to other women physically, but was entirely unprepared for comparing myself to other women's inward beauty. At camp, I was surrounded by women who were strikingly different from me in the best way; women who were more mature, friendlier, more responsible, more flexible, more humble, more artistic, and more social than me. If you've ever felt like everyone has a clique or a best friend except for you, then you can imagine how I felt. My personal insecurities caused me to believe that those who were different from me were somehow better than me. Other counselors seemed to be so much more popular with campers, befriended more counselors, or created more beautiful signs and decor than I ever could. I failed to see that I brought gifts and opinions to the table that others could not, and I separated myself from others because of it. My pride got in the way of sacrificing my own comforts to alleviate other people's burdens, which was practically the mission statement of camp. Christ did not compare himself to other figures and teachers, he just did what the Father told him to do. Jesus may have been the center of attention during his three years of ministry, but that attention didn't stop his crucifixion.

4.     Expectations are the root of disappointment.  

"It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man."

Psalm 118:8

      This statement has been repeated by my best friends for the majority of the year, as we've lamented the conflicts that arise after an expectation goes unmet. Every relationship, even your relationship with yourself, suffers conflict after one party fails to meet another's assumptions. I've learned that the best way to walk into each day is one step at a time, not checking the map for what's ahead, but just matching my pace to my breath. As someone who LOVES to plan ahead, this has been a major challenge, but I have never been disappointed less than when I capture my expectations. I look to the Lord to satisfy me, and try to love those who cross my path. When you trust God above anyone else, you'll be less affected by other people's selfishness and thoughtlessness. In relationships, you have to realize that no human is perfect, and no human can read minds. If you haven't communicated your expectations with someone, you have little right to get mad when things don't work out. Even when they fail you though, and they will, give grace. Jesus has certainly given us ample grace for the many times we've failed to meet his expectations.

5. Grace, grace, grace.

"Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy."

Matthew 5:7

"Likewise, you who are younger, be subject to the elders. Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble."

1 Peter 5:5

"For judgment is without mercy to one who has shown no mercy. Mercy triumphs over judgment."

James 2:13

"But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins."

Matthew 6:15

"Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience..."

Colossians 3:12

      

      Clearly, I'm passionate about this subject. This last semester has presented more opportunities than I've ever known to give grace to others and myself. Getting engaged has forced me to grow up more quickly than my peers, and I've failed myself too many times to count as I've struggled to understand living expenses, insurance, career paths, and the adult world. I've learned that shame is not from the Lord, but from the enemy. If the enemy can cause us to feel guilty and ashamed, then we consequently will cover ourselves and hide from God, as Adam and Eve did in the Garden. We must give grace to ourselves when we try and fail, or when we don't try at all and knew we should have. Repentance and shame are entirely different; repentance is an action, shame is a cycle. Giving grace to others, depending on the person, is infinitely more difficult or easier than giving grace to yourself. This semester has been filled with transition, for myself and everyone around me. I've disappointed others and have been disappointed by others more than any other season in my life. The Bible tells us that those who forgive will be forgiven, and that those who hold grudges will not be. Remember the story of the servant who owed his master a debt? The master forgave his servant, and moments after expressing his gratefulness, the servant encountered a man who owed him debts. Rather than forgiving the man as his master had forgiven him, the servant persecuted and prosecuted the man, completely ignoring the forgiveness he'd been shown. I've learned this year that grace is instant forgiveness. Giving grace is the only way you can go through life without pessimism. It's not easy to instantly forgive, but it is freeing. After giving grace as much as possible for the past few months, the forgiveness has turned into straight up forgetting. I can't even remember what people have done to hurt me, intentionally or accidentally, because I'm no longer allowing myself to focus on others' faults. When you shift your focus from the sins of others to the perfection of Christ, it's impossible to hold grudges. This is easily the most life-changing lesson I've learned this year, because healing comes from the divine grace of God. If we have the Spirit of God within us, we have every ability to forgive sins as He does. When Christ died on the cross, God forgave every sin for all of mankind. He's never looked back on our sins, but has separated our imperfection from His righteousness as far as the east is from the west. Shouldn't we practice the same grace to others?