2K15

This morning, my grandparents' pastor reminded the church congregation that it was the last weekend of 2015. He went on to share how this year had been wonderful for him, with new additions to the family and college graduations to celebrate. His exuberance over his 2015 experience prompted me to make a collage celebrating my year as well. While I was scrolling through the abundance of screenshots, selfies, group photos, and vacation pictures, I realized that I had too many happy moments to compress into one collage. If I wanted to include every worthwhile memory from 2015, I would have filled your newsfeed with all the mushy gushy, feel-good vibes of my year. I chose the picture above to represent my year because God bombarded me with blessings the way my buddy Steve bombarded me with color powder. My relationships blossomed just like the beautiful wildflowers I found in my backyard this spring, my pursuit of God was more vibrant than the red powder streaking across my white dress, and my celebratory moments surpassed what I could have dreamed or imagined was possible for one year.

This year was honestly the best year of my life, but none of that would have happened if I hadn't dared to leave what was comfortable for the sake of the unknown. In January, I broke up with my boyfriend of two years after realizing that we were being crippled by the convenience of our relationship. Two years prior, we had started on a path together, hand in hand, overcome with the giddiness of puppy love and infatuation. But as time had passed, we had come to a fork in the road, and I went left when he went right. Our grip on one another was strained, our words grew distant and undistinguishable, and we simply couldn't continue down our destined paths together. Leaving my ex was the most daunting, scary, and necessary decision I'd ever had to make, but it propelled me from the valley of complacency into green pastures.

February and March were filled with girls' nights, books and hot baths, and almost-relationships that were classified with the ever elusive "we're talking." In April, I had my senior prom and it was the most fun I had in all of high school. I was ignoring God just as I had for the past year and a half, but I started journaling again. Journaling led to asking questions in prayer, and by April, I was more open to receive God than I had been in years. At a church conference, I heard a sermon about the immoral woman in Luke 7. The woman came to Jesus while he was eating, poured expensive perfume over him, and washed his feet with her tears, wiping them away with her hair. I had never felt so connected to a biblical character as I did to that woman. She and I were one, both pursuing the gazes of men and placing our worth in material things. Rather than washing Jesus' feet, I wrote him a love letter in a dark corner of the sanctuary, hiding from those around me as I laid myself bare before my king. That was my first great blessing of 2015: reclaimed intimacy with God.

That spring, I started having quiet time every morning on my back porch. I worshipped, I prayed for others, I confessed my brokenness, I read the Word, day in and day out. The better part of my senior year was spent pursuing Christ and praying for those around me who were still stuck in the stagnant Christianity I had just escaped. Joy was easier to find in the everyday, and I truly loved my classmates and my church. I went to Sadie Hawkins with my close guy friend, I gave the opening remarks at graduation, and I left high school satisfied that I had made the most of my last two months there. Summer was just beginning though, and the path the Lord was leading me on was about to get a little more crowded.

Fresh out of high school and alive with summertime, I introduced myself to a cute stranger after church. For the first time in my life (honestly), I had no desire to date anyone, and was completely satisfied in pursuing Christ rather than boys. I didn't expect anything to develop, but I started noticing him everywhere after that. I wanted to tell my friends about him, even though we'd had a handful of conversations and I barely knew him. I sensed a crush coming on, and so June and July were spent fighting it off, reading my Bible, going to summer camp, and preparing for college. Mid-July, my youth group went to Colorado for what would be my seventh Desperation Conference experience. My crush was there, as a middle school boys leader, and I fled from him at every opportunity. Not only was Tim handsome, but he was well-read, loved the Lord, and looked at me like I'd always wanted a man to. He had warm eyes, a kind smile, laughed easily... I was smitten. This was the beginning of my second big blessing.

Before that date came along, however, the Lord planted a seed in my heart for missions. Suddenly, I saw myself washing the feet of the Dalits in India, walking down the dirty streets, and loving on the unloved. Small, forgotten threads from my life were sewn together, and I could finally see how the various fabric swatches of passions, experiences, and goals fit together to reveal my life purpose. I was created to love the Dalit people, the most mistreated people group in India. Then and now, my heart swells when I hear them mentioned, when I come across a worship song or Bible verse about orphans, or when I see a mission trip advertised on campus. Oddly enough, I had an intense longing to tell Tim about my call, so on our second date, I did. Surprisingly, he had been called to missions too, just a couple weeks prior. An indescribable peace encompassed me as he described how he'd heard from the Lord, and over the next few weeks, we were inseparable.

Come August, I left my home of twelve years for my first semester of college. My roommate and I clung to each other in those first few days away from home, and we went from acquaintances to sisters in a matter of weeks. The spring and summer leading up to school were filled with blessings: intimacy with the Lord, healed relationships with my parents, unexpected scholarships, and Tim. Fall, however, brought different kinds of blessings: those that come with trial, struggle, and tear-filled nights. I hated school, I hated being away from home, I hated spending my time and money on what felt worthless. I met amazing people and learned more about the world and myself than I ever had, but I cried at least once a week to Tim about missing home. My blessings went from the abstract and spiritual to the everyday and minute. I praised the Lord for a good cup of coffee, for a stranger opening the door for me, for a 70 degree day. My path of life had darkened with menacing forests of debt, loneliness, and purposelessness. To combat the dreariness, I had to focus on the wildflowers on the forest floor, the tiny gifts God planted in my days to get me through my descent from the mountaintop of summer. 

By November, I started going to counseling, cried half as often, and forced myself to enjoy the allotted time I had to spend away from home. The blessings were still small, but every visit home gave me a taste of heaven to get me through hell. I was able to lead the sixth grade girls at a youth retreat back home, and got to love on a special needs sweetheart in my group. On my last day of class at school, I got a call from Pine Cove family camp and was told that my counselor application had been accepted. I came home with a high GPA and a wide open Christmas break, and have spent every day with people I love. 

This year, I gained invaluable friendships, met incredible people, and have the future I've always dreamed of within reach. There have been struggles, but my greatest blessing has been the joy to get me through all seasons. This year has been my best, because I know who I am in Christ, and have full freedom to walk in that identity. But all my blessings began with a tough decision. As the new year approaches, think about what your decision will be for 2016. Do you need to end a dating relationship or unhealthy friendship? Do you need to take time to discover who you are in Christ? Is it time to take a career risk, or transfer to a new school, or move to a new community? Whatever your decision is, know this: God is always calling us to higher purposes than our own. As you enter into 2016, find comfort in letting God's word be the lamp on your feet and the light on your path. Pursue Him, and His peace will lead you through whatever triumphs and struggles come this year. But it all starts with a decision: what, or who, is holding you back from Him?

Transition

"Don't you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Does this mean nothing to you? Can't you see that his kindness is intended to turn you from your sin?" Romans 2:4

As I sit on my back porch, the wind rustles the leaves in the trees and the pages in my Bible. Rather than the sunrise I usually see in my quiet time, I see Earl Grey clouds, swollen with rain, concealing the blue Texas sky from view. This change of weather comes at a change of seasons in my life. In two days, I will move from the home I've known for twelve years to a place I've dreamt of and visited throughout the last six. I leave my family, my church, my favorite person, my friendships, all behind for the sake of life change through the unknown. Surely you would expect me to be excited, nervous, eager for college. On the contrary, I've been battling anxiety, hesitancy, and fear. I blamed these feelings on the home I'd be leaving behind, the community I'd cultivated that could never be replicated. It wasn't until last Wednesday that God revealed the true reason behind my begrudging heart: He was leading me to summit the next peak in my life, but I wasn't trusting Him. I glanced at the obscure equipment lying at our feet, focused on my innumerable weaknesses, longed for the familiarity I'd left behind, rather than gazing on the beauty and strength of my Savior. Who was I not to trust the Creator with my transition to college life? As my dear dear T has been reminding me, God has secured me in the palm of His hand.

"When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer." Psalm 94:19

As I've come to this conclusion, a small flicker of joy has resumed in the hearth of my heart where there was previously desolation and despair. I eagerly await to see which friendships will bloom in harvest time, which church I'll connect with, which campus nook I'll have quiet time in. Jesus has planted delight, elation, and zeal within me. This fall will give me ample time to get alone with God, freedom to follow his call on my life. I can see the beauty of a sunrise on the horizon, and He's sailing this empty vessel toward a new shore. The wind of His presence is strong, His wisdom is sure, and His love is sound. I have no fear, for the One who knit me together has a firm grip on my unsteady hand.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take." Proverbs 3:5-6

Complacency

"The place God calls you is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet."
-Frederick Buechner

This quote struck me hard this past week at college orientation. How amazing that the Lord would connect my recent calling to mission with my longing for travel and complacency in the states. He instilled a desire for service and travel in me to further his kingdom, and has called me to a spiritually dark and impoverished people group. The thought that I, a typical college student, could impact a young girl in sex trafficking, a desperate man stealing loose change to make ends meet, or a single mother whose children scavenge in the city dump for meals, blows my mind. God's awesome power and steadfast love will equip me far more than any program or funding ever could. He's going to provide for me in incredible ways, because there's no way on earth I could accomplish anything in the kingdom without his provision and blessing. Simply put, missions is where my deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet.
While I'm overjoyed to have a purpose and renewed passion for the Father, I can't help but be heartbroken for those who are stuck where I was just six months ago. Complacent Christianity dominates the American church to a horrifying extent, and it absolutely destroys God's heart. Imagine a man whose love, power, and resources surpass measure. Imagine this wealthy philanthropist sees his son or daughter is struggling to pay off their college debt, going through a breakup, or feels lonely and worthless. How foolish would the son or daughter be to refuse his help? "No, I don't need your money, I'd rather work sixty hours a week for the next twenty years and live on the poverty line." "That's nice of you to say you collect my every tear and all, but I think I'll settle into the next available rebound instead." "Thanks for the sympathy Dad, but I'd rather sit in my depression."
Y'all, this is how we treat God EVERY DAY. He has a beautiful story written for us, but so often our pride gets in the way as we try to take control our own lives. While you're struggling to make ends meet, there's a God who owns all the money in the world that's only a prayer away. His heart is to defend the poor, rescue the needy, and crush your oppressors (Psalm 71:4). He cares about every need you have, from debt to loneliness to aimlessness. How destitute must the human heart become before it recognizes its deep need for Christ? Christ's heart beats for you. His life was dedicated to saving yours. He's your rescuer and redeemer. Pursue him daily, give your heart and life to him every morning, and trust in his provision. "Awake, O sleeper, rise up from the dead, and Christ will give you light." (Ephesians 5:14)

Hearts

This summer has been astounding. Correction: the Lord is astounding. June and July have been abundant in blessing, joy, compassion, and revelation. God is good. He longs to bless his children in any way he can, and he will grant the desires of their hearts. Tread carefully here, he doesn't grant the desires of our fleshly, worldly, selfish hearts- he grants the desires of our redeemed, restored, reborn hearts. Those hearts, touched by Christ, eventually desire the will of God. Deep deep down, we all have inner passions, goals, and longings that were planted by our Creator. The sweetest offering we can bring before the Father is the thing that has the power to depress and elate, to give or steal, to wound or encourage: our hearts.
To seek the praise of God is to seek fulfillment, but to seek the praise of man is to seek destruction. Nearly every sin I've committed is rooted in my tendency to throw my heart to men. I long for recognition, intimacy, encouragement, stability, and love. These longings are made perfect in Christ, but are devastated by men. I was a withered tree, doomed to dormancy and idleness; I was burdened with pride, selfishness, lust, and hatred. These past few weeks, I've focused in worship and prayer on giving the Lord my entire heart, and he's brought fruit from my withered soul.
Pursuing Christ has rocked my world, y'all. He's showering me with such abundant blessing, I couldn't dry off if I tried. Every prayer, minute and massive, has been answered- especially this past month. Preceding a recent trip to Colorado, my youth pastor encouraged our student ministry to ask the Lord what he wanted to reveal to us in the mountains. For several months now, I've been begging God to connect me with people who were passionately chasing after him. When I shut my eyes to pray, however, the word "calling" flashed through my mind. "Destiny" quickly followed. So I prayed. I prayed every day for a week that the Lord would reveal my calling and destiny. After that week, the longing was buried under fresher desires, as the dearth of direction for my life widened. Praise be to God, for he neglects nothing. A week after I'd ceased my fervency, I had a vision of what God has always planned for me to do, what he planted in my heart long before I was conceived. My calling was revealed. I don't feel a peace about sharing it just yet, but please recognize the Lord's faithfulness in this. He is a loyal lover and friend, a caring counselor.
Not only has God revealed my calling to me, but he's also connected me with a few amazing, indescribable, passionate people who are sprinting after the cross. I have no doubt that these people will partner alongside me in the pursuit of God, and they love me just as he does. Y'all, he desires to satisfy our every craving, our every need. He wants our hearts! Our slimy, filthy, abused and sinful hearts! He turns our beauty to ashes and rescues the lost sheep. There's nothing more beautiful than the soul of a person who's recognized their deep need for the Gospel. Let his radiance glow within you, and his spirit work through you. Dedicate your everything to Christ, and he will bless it!

Progress

Each day holds blessings and struggles. Each day, you and I have an opportunity to fight for joy, give in to melancholy, or drown in despondency. Despite the day's circumstances, attitude is a choice. Everyone has experienced trials, whether its a cancer diagnosis, a break-up, or a career termination. No trial is any less impactful or significant than another, because everyone's perception of what is "difficult", "traumatic", or "depressing" is different. Personally, I've been dealing with an onslaught of memories concerning someone I used to be very close to. These recollections sneak into my thoughts during my quiet time, while I'm sitting in a desk at school, and when I'm laying in bed at night. I'm also trying to accept the fact that the Lord wants me to stay single for an indefinite amount of time-a difficult task for someone who recently got out of a two-year relationship. Amazing guys step out of the background of my life, just to float back into the abyss due to "bad timing". I begin comparing myself to other girls, settling for lower-caliber guys, desperately pursuing love and affection to fill the void left by my break-up that I know only the Lord can fill.
For what seems like the first time in my life, I'm truly pursuing a relationship with God, yet I can't manage to escape my past desires and longings.
Needless to say, its frustrating.
Maybe your current struggle seems more life-changing than mine. Perhaps you're like my amazing friend, T, who's praying for a miracle to heal his grandmother's tumors. Perhaps you're like someone I used to know who lost a family member to suicide. Perhaps you're floundering in debt, or guilt, or failure.
Whatever your struggle, God can lift you out of it. Yes, you've heard that a thousand times before. You've read every Bible verse, self-help book, and inspirational blog post about suffering, to no avail. But I'm not here to inspire you, simply to act as Jesus does- by sitting in your struggle with you. Jesus doesn't give us an escape route to flee from sorrows, but he does promise to walk us through it. Regardless of how phenomenal your friends and family are, they are only human. They will fail you at one point or another, whether it's intentional or accidental. That's the beautiful thing about Christ- he's without fault. He's incapable of failure. Do you really expect the Creator of the Universe and Ultimate Sacrifice to let you drown?
Each morning in my quiet time, I sit on the back porch and watch as the morning dew and soft sunrise coats the wildflowers in remarkable serenity. I gaze, awestruck, at the flowers that were small blooms just one day before. God has been teaching me something through His creation: He handcrafted those flowers to sprinkle beauty into my life. Each petal, each bloom, each stalk serves as a tiny Tiffany box from the Lord. The key to finding joy in tribulation is trusting in God's provision and seeking the beautiful in the everyday. Christ created music, flowers, and books to fill our souls with pleasure. Don't allow your problems to take center stage while His creation flitters in the background. Take a deep breath and lift your eyes to the masterpiece of life.

"I was filled with delight day after day, rejoicing always in His presence, rejoicing in His whole world and delighting in mankind."
Proverbs 8:30b-31