The Story

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 

Jeremiah 29:11

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Psalm 139:13-14

You can make many plans, but the Lord's purpose will prevail.

Proverbs 19:21

Isn't our Lord so sweet and tender in the way He reveals truth to us? As I raise my hands in worship, fall on my knees before Him, or pray in my bed at night over worries and fears for tomorrow, God always reminds me of His might, His goodness, and His loyalty. A few nights ago, I was worshipping to Steffany Gretzinger's "Out of Hiding" before bed, when the Holy Spirit gave me inspiration for this post. "Out of Hiding" is a plea from Jesus to drop our defenses and give into His love. The song is filled with love-soaked promises and declarations, and the line that sunk an arrow into my heart echoes throughout the bridge. 

"Oh as you run, what hindered love will only become part of the story."

When I heard that line, the Holy Spirit gave me an image of an elaborately intertwined vine growing up, over, and around a pale pink flower. He told me that the flower was me, was you, was him and her, and that His plan for our lives and His love for us are as entangled with our everyday lives as the vines and weeds of an untamed garden. A few summers ago at a youth conference, God used a series of events to show me how elaborate and intricate His plans for me are, and I firmly believe that His plan for you is no more or less than His plan for me. Every person you meet, every decision you make, every opinion that you allow to become a fact in your heart and mind are part of the glorious unfolding He wants to bring through your humble life. Psalm 139 declares that God knit every piece of you, that He personally selected every fiber and thread of your being to form the person you are today. Whether you like the yarns that form you or not, He has a purpose in each one. One version of Psalm 139:14 reads "the greatness of the way I was made brings fear." That means your formation was so glorious, so grandiose, that the method would bring awe and wonder to man if we could understand it. You were placed on earth for a divine purpose, to bring attention to the Gospel and the God behind it in some way. 

On a deeper level, past the basics of your formation, God has handwritten your story in a series of sagas and chronicles that will take a lifetime to peruse. God's plans are to prosper you, to give you hope and a future with Him. Unfortunately we live in a sin-ridden world and have been given the free will to obey or not to obey God's plan, so there's a high chance that we may take some detours and wrong turns every now and then. The incredible aspect of our omniscient God is that He knows the route we'll choose to take anyway, and His plan leaves plenty of opportunity for us to jump back on the straight and narrow path. Imagine a windy, lengthy road map filled with ample rest stops and scenic outlooks. The path God has for you may involve a steep uphill climb, or a leap of faith across some great gorge, but the end goal for every person is to fall into the arms of Jesus in eternity. This undeniable truth, that our ultimate purpose is to find communion with Christ, leads us back to the bridge of "Out of Hiding." The uphill climb that seemed like a setback in your plan didn't escape God's notice. The struggle you've had your entire life, the thorn in your side you can't pinch out, is an integral part of the story God has written for you. Am I saying that God purposefully puts tragedies and darkness in your life? No. What I mean to tell you is that there isn't any chapter of your life too dark or twisted for God to illuminate. Your eating disorder, the abuse you experienced in childhood, the loneliness you feel engulfed by today, the financial anxieties you're chained to, and the distorted image you see reflected in the mirror can all be used in your story for God's glory. 

A few weeks ago, I wrote about my struggle with forgiveness. The majority of the people I had to forgive were first graders, second graders, and third graders who abandoned me as a little girl, kids who picked on me for being uncoordinated, middle class, or just plain different from other girls. The reasons for their teasing are so insignificant as an adult, but the jabs and cuts they left on me formed scars that have shaped my self-image for the past twelve years. Instead of acknowledging my acceptance in the kingdom of heaven, I focused on the rejection that plagued me throughout childhood. I began reading obsessively to avoid social interaction, because if I didn't talk to anyone, than no one could reject me. Later in adolescence, I became consumed with dating and romance because I believed that if someone fell in love with me, there would be one more person who would never reject me. Eventually, every aspect of my appearance and character was scrutinized to make sure I measured up to the person I believed everyone wanted me to be. My middle and high school years were exhausting, depressing, and so distant from God's plan. Graduating high school was a relief, because I didn't have to put up a facade against the same people I'd been faking it to for twelve years anymore. If only I'd realized that no one actually expected me to be the person I tried so hard to be. 

Thankfully, I've experienced tremendous healing from my childhood pains, and now walking in the identity God created for me. The all-consuming insecurities and self-hatred I experienced as a preteen and teenager were painful and damaging, but they have given me immense patience for the teenagers I see weekly as a youth leader. My history with an eating disorder causes my heart to break for girls who struggle with body image even more than I did. I viewed myself in such an unhealthy light as a kid that my self-image kept me from giving and receiving Christ's love. The very darkness that hindered love in my life has set a fire in my heart that enables me to cast a torch over similar struggles in other people's lives. The bridge of "Out of Hiding" has a grip over me because of the hopefulness it gives to every struggle you'll ever face.

"Oh as you run [towards God], what hindered [your acceptance of] love will only become part of the story [God has written for you]."

God's story for each of us is infinitely more intricate than we could ever imagine. Every person we meet, every conversation we have, every opinion we form has a purpose in His inevitably beautiful plan for our lives. Regardless of what your life looks like now, when God wrote the final chapter of your story, He leaned back and said "It is good". 

Miracles

My dad 10 days after his stroke- praise God!

Let all that I am praise the Lord; may I never forget the good things he does for me. He forgives all my sins and heals all my diseases."

Psalm 103:2-3

This weekend, my family had our first health scare. Friday morning, my dad had a major stroke, caused by a previously unknown hole in his heart. My mom quickly called our family doctor and 911 before waking my sister and I up.

"Madison, wake up. Your dad's having a stroke."

I walked into my parents' bedroom after letting our doctor into the house, and saw my invincible father lying half-paralyzed on the bed. I was too in shock to cry, and the weight of my dad's near-death experience is just beginning to sink in. To comfort myself and my sister, I started praying for my dad's healing and peace for our family. That morning was so chaotic that I don't remember whether I or the doctor suggested prayer. What I do know is that shortly afterwards, my dad was able to speak again and became more responsive than he had been before the prayer. Later, I learned that my dad's pulse had dropped dangerously low, and had stabilized during our prayer. Our doctor claims there's no medical reason why this should have happened, which is incredible because that means God gets all the glory for my dad's healing.

Not only did God begin to heal my dad within seconds of prayer, He also parted traffic like the Red Sea for the ambulance in the middle of rush hour traffic. Annie and I made it to the hospital in record time, and I don't remember hitting my brakes once on the highway, despite the fact that it was 8 am on a Friday morning. God's hand was on my family from the moment we woke up that morning. Our doctor was at the house 3 minutes after my mom called him, the ambulance was at our house 15 minutes after my mom called them, and my dad was administered blood clot medication within 2 hours of his stroke. Had we been an hour later, the medication would have been nullified or detrimental, as it has to enter the body within 3 hours of initial symptoms. Had my dad been asleep when the stroke hit, he may not have been able to wake my mom up before his pulse dropped. There's no medical explanation for my dad sitting in his recliner a week after the stroke, fully able and present. All praise and credit goes directly to God, the God who heals and resides over all things. Nothing is outside of His dominion, and nothing is too big or small for Him.

Psalm 103:2 serves as a reminder to never forget the good things God has done in our lives. God brought my dad back from near-death, and has used His people to stock our fridge and pantry. Yet somehow, last night I laid in bed and worried about my financial situation. Tim and I have missed out on work this month due to various engagements and crises, meaning our weekly paychecks have been slim or nonexistent. I allowed myself to fret over purchases I've made, money I don't have, and the meek savings account that Tim and I will have to rely on in seven months. God healed my dad within two hours of his stroke, so how can I doubt his miraculous power in other aspects of my life? How can I worry over my fiancé and I's financial situation when God promises in Luke 12 that He will give us everything we need if we seek His face above all else? I've been praying for God to make a way for my student loans to be paid off for 2 years now, and He hasn't stopped answering my prayers. He just hasn't answered my prayers in the timing I'd like.

"Look at the lilies and how they grow, They don't work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for flowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?" Luke 12:27-28

Maybe you haven't experienced recent medical healing, or even emotional healing. Maybe you're applying to colleges, recently got laid off, or doggy paddling through student debt, like myself. Whatever your worry or struggle, let my story stand as a testament to this truth: God cares for you, and He hasn't abandoned you. Whether his answer to your prayers are immediate or not, He hears you and has you. He won't abandon His plan for your life in the middle of crisis. Even in chaos, fear, and worry, God's hand is on you. Never forget that.

Forgiveness

Photo Credit: Wayfarer Photography

"Whoever says he is in the light and hates his brother is still in darkness. Whoever loves his brother abides in the light, and in him there is no cause for stumbling. But whoever hates his brother is in the darkness and walks in the darkness, and does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded his eyes." 

1 John 2:9-11

This subject has been on my heart for the past several months. The Holy Spirit has been training me to fight bitterness and surrender my pain to God in this season of change, adjustment, and exhaustion. Preparing for marriage is no joke, y'all. As T and I ready ourselves for life's next adventure, the enemy is using every tactic he has to come against us. He is trying to steal, kill, and destroy God's most beautiful creation, marriage. Stress and busyness have tried to steal our joy and energy. Exhaustion and misunderstanding have tried to kill relationships. Bitterness and selfishness have tried to destroy T and I's relationship. Fortunately, God won't stand for any of it, and neither will we. Unfortunately, I've discovered a tendency for bitterness in my heart throughout this engagement. My gut reaction to conflict, aggression, and chaos is obsession. I obsess over what he/she said, I obsess over analyzing their intentions behind their words or expression or choice, and I obsess over protecting myself from letting them hurt me again. I set expectations for whoever has wounded me, falling victim to my hurt and allowing bitterness to bloom. 

They are always going to hurt me. 

They don't love/support me.

I can't trust them ever again.

I'm worthless in their eyes.

These thoughts build a wall against forgiveness, fortifying my bitter heart against Christ's redeeming love. When Jesus hung on the cross, naked and ashamed, He clothed himself in my pain and brokenness. He felt every moment of self-pity, every moment of shame, every moment of hate that I will ever experience. When He burst through the gates of Hell with fire in his eyes and the keys to death in his triumphant hand, He left the memory of every sin smoldering to ash behind him. My sins were the cause of Christ's death, but He shook off the burden of bitterness in favor of love. God has every reason to hold my sins against me, but he doesn't. He sees me in my pain and brokenness, and loves me without expecting anything in return. 

So if I'm supposed to be like Christ, how does my bitterness reflect His glory?

It doesn't.

Bitterness is a slap in the face to Christ's love. It is a direct disobedience to the greatest commandment: love God, and love others. There is no love in bitterness, there is no compassion in the unforgiven, there is no mercy in judgment. In fact, mercy triumphs over judgment. Therefore, when I obsess over the wounds I've been dealt by others and allow myself to steep in anger and self-righteousness, I build a wall against Christ's love. 

God revealed all of this to me a few weekends ago during a women's conference at my church. The conference's theme and title was Breakthrough, but I didn't believe that I really had any strongholds to break through. I didn't have a tragic childhood, I'd never had any mental disorders or health scares, and I didn't think I was currently struggling with anything that was holding me back from God. Isn't it sweet how God cares about us enough to take us down from our self-imposed pedestals before we fall off and hurt ourselves? 

As I was worshipping, I had a mama moment. Personally, God has called me to mother the orphaned and outcast, and to pursue motherhood above any career or ambition. This is going to sound crazy, but instead of getting goosebumps or visions when I'm having an intimate moment with the Spirit, I'll feel the weight of a child's hand in mine, or the sensation of holding a baby against my chest. These moments are rare, but they usually precede a major shift in my heart and life. They are also usually baptized in a torrent of tears and ugly sobs, because Jesus wept so why can't I? I started sobbing for the children God has given me and will give to me, sobbing for their suffering, sobbing for the darkness they walked through every day. Clear as day, the Holy Spirit spoke to me: everyone is suffering in their own way, where are your tears for those who have hurt you? How can I expect you to love my children if you can't forgive ______?

Me: What?

What do you mean "where are your tears for those who have hurt you?" Don't you realize that the people who have hurt me deserve my bitterness? They haven't earned my forgiveness. They're not poor, they don't wonder where their next meal will come from, they have every opportunity in the world! Why on earth would I have sympathy for their perfect, American, middle class lives?

Everyone is suffering in their own way.

But God, don't you remember how she belittled and embarrassed me? Don't you remember how he abandoned me and lied to me? Don't you remember how she jumped at the opportunity to criticize my every move? Don't you remember how he left me defenseless? How on earth can my heart possibly break for their suffering when they've caused so much of mine?

It is my job to judge. It is your job to love.

As I sat there, dumbfounded by revelation, I realized that God wanted to breakthrough the resentment I held against childhood bullies, past love interests, and hurt people who hurt people. I thought I was living in the light, but I had hate towards my brothers and sisters in Christ. Bitterness had blinded my eyes to the fact that these people had hurt me because they too, were broken; their struggles were interior rather than exterior. I long to bring restoration to orphans because their pain is obviously life threatening, it's exterior. But shouldn't I long to bring restoration to my peers, even if their pain isn't as noticeable? Maybe he had abandoned me because he had never been taught how to love. Maybe she had criticized and bullied me because she can't stand who she sees in the mirror. God began revealing the darkness that engulfed my aggressors' hearts, comparing it with the darkness that engulfs orphans and widows. God doesn't see brokenness on a circumstantial scale. He doesn't look at orphans any differently than he looks at businessmen. He sees all of us equally. He loves all of us equally, and that love casts out darkness. He's given us His love so we can love others, not so we can hoard it and hold it out of certain people's reach. Jesus died for those who afflicted him, not for those who had perfectly loved him. 

So if I'm supposed to be like Christ, how can I harbor resentment in my heart towards his broken children?

Community

This past weekend, I visited dear friends in Waco, Texas. These girls have loved me more than I thought possible, live for Jesus, and pour themselves out as offerings on a daily basis. They have been the mouthpieces of God more times than I can count, and hold me accountable in every facet of life. These incredible women are my role models and soul sisters. Seeing them again for the first time in 4 months refreshed my spirit and filled my love tank to the brim; after an evening of laughter, snorting (all me), singing, and story-telling, I woke up early the next morning and sat with Jesus. As I sat in my friends' loft with a warm mug in my hands and the morning sunlight peaking through the curtains, I paid more attention to the Holy Spirit than I had in months. There was no urgency to rush through a devotional, jot down prayer requests, or go through a magical process guaranteed to please God. All I had to do was be still.

Waco was a place where I cursed, questioned, and praised God. Baylor was the place where I felt the deepest intimacy with God, but I realized this Friday that our intimacy stemmed from surrounding myself with His people. Despite recent fire, Baylor is a university that points to God in the details. The architecture, required Chapel classes, and Christian faculty create an environment for faith to flourish. "Pro Ecclesia, Pro Texana" doesn't guarantee an exclusively Christian campus, but it does draw in students who want to find Godly community in college. First semester was one of the loneliest seasons I've walked through, as I avoided every club meeting and sorority dinner because I was terrified of rejection.

After Christmas break, I began attending a Campus Crusade Bible study in my residence hall. The study was full of women just like me who wanted to know Jesus more. I had to get over some self-esteem issues, but eventually I started hanging out with them outside of the study. The girls in this group showed me the radiance and splendor of biblical community. Jesus came to give us abundant life, and I believe that a major part of that abundance comes from fellowship with other believers. When those around you are talking about moments they've had with Jesus, scripture that inspired them, or God's movement in their lives, it's contagious. I get excited to meet the Jesus that my friends have met, and that excitement causes me to want to be still. I struggle the most in my relationship with God when I'm pursuing Him alone, with no community cheering me on and holding me accountable. When I surround myself with Godly people, I want to become a Godly person. When I try to become a Godly person, I'm making myself like Christ, and growing into the woman He created me to be.

I don't have to come to Waco or join a Bible study to see God's plan and love, I just have to sit in the quiet beauty of His stillness, and listen. Christian fellowship helps me sit, inspires me to pursue God, and provides friends to hold my arms up when I feel like I can't worship through a valley. Do you have a Godly community that does this? If not, I urge you to seek one out. The connection will rarely be immediate, but it will come with time if you sacrifice your insecurities and discomfort for the sake of building relationship.

Jesus had twelve.

Who's walking alongside you?

Trust

Photo Credit: Wayfarer Photography

"Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. This is what the ancients were commended for. By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God’s command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible." Hebrews 11:1-3

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly." John 10:10

"Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me." John 15:4

Preface: Firstly, excuse my looooooooong absence from this sweet place. It's so hard to prioritize time for one more thing on my list, but I'm determined to continue blogging in the midst of school, wedding planning, house hunting, and nannying!

My last blog recorded the first week of my summer, when I was on a mountaintop of sorts with the Lord. If I had continued to blog after each week of camp, you would have seen a roller coaster of emotions that can only be explained by the exponential growth I underwent at camp. Every exasperation, irritation, and celebration was necessary for my stubborn heart to believe one thing: trust God alone. When I had a sleep-deprived infant in one arm and a toddler who reeked of- well you can imagine- I needed to trust God to get those babies and I through the next ten minutes. When I had a middle schooler who accepted Jesus as her savior three days prior ask me a thousand questions about the Lord, I had to trust God to answer her questions through me. When I faced a week of leading middle school girls after seven weeks of being a camp counselor, I had to trust that God would handle my emotional, physical, and spiritual deprivation. In every weary moment this summer, I prayed for the Lord to refill and guide me- and His love never failed. I have loved people more deeply than I thought possible this summer, and it's solely because of the Lord. I can trust the Lord with my energy, emotions, and essentials.

Flash forward two months, and I'm an engaged transfer student with a full agenda every day of the week. On Sundays, I'm in church from 8:30-12:30, loving on 6th graders from 5-8, and in college group from 8:15-9:30. On Mondays I get to love on the CUTEST little baby boy as his nanny, and cook dinner/meal prep for the next day. On Tuesday, I'm in school all day, without even a lunch break to compose myself. Wednesdays are Bible study, nannying for a different precious little girl, cooking dinner, and youth all evening. Thursdays are school all day WITH a lunch break, hallelujah. Fridays are nannying all day and date nights, and Saturdays are recovery/family day. Needless to say, it's all to easy to get caught up in the pattern of living from day to day, rather than moment to moment. Finding time to plan my wedding seems laughable, and finding a place for Tim & I to live next year has been impossible. Not only is his schedule even busier than mine, but we are also college kids with student loans who have never had to worry about paying for insurance or monthly rent. Stress has been piling itself onto our shoulders as we're consumed with the major life transitions that are only nine months away. There isn't time in the day or money in our pockets to manage real-life adulthood.

But don't we worship a God who created time? Don't we pray to a God of miracles?

Living in faith is a scary, seemingly illogical thought. But um... isn't that the definition of faith? Believing in the unknown, unproved, intangible? It's so easy to get caught up in the American Dream ideal that you have to work yourself to the bones in order to live in this world. You have to make a certain amount of money each month, you have to fill your schedule to a certain point to be successful, and you have to rely solely on your own efforts because you're a young independent with something to prove.

Did the Israelites do anything to free themselves? Did they part the Red Sea with their own hands? Did they tear the wall of Jericho down brick by brick? Did Solomon become wise because he holed himself up in a library all day, everyday? Did the disciples cast out demons because they had a college degree in exorcism? Did Paul free himself from prison?

NO!

Each and every story in the Bible is a tale of God's strength, not human strength. Not a single one of our Biblical heroes could have performed the miracles their lives were marked by. The freedom, protection, guidance, and power that God's people experienced were completely in their Savior's hands. The sheer belief that God would provide for them was enough to set the captives free. But God isn't solely in the freedom business. He created our bodies and minds, and he knows exactly what we need to have the abundant life that He promises us. Who are we, mere mortals, to believe that the Creator of the universe doesn't have a plan for our lives that includes joy? Jesus promises us abundant life, life full of joy and love and peace and kindness and satisfaction in Him. If we walk with Jesus, he'll take care of our every need. His plan for us can't be changed because of our own inadequacies or weaknesses, his plan for us is unchangeable, just like his power and love. When you're feeling overwhelmed and all control is slipping through your fingers, recognize that the enemy is trying to steal your joy and destroy your faith, and pray. The Father longs to protect and provide for his children, all you have to do is let him.

Week 1

"So obey the commands of the Lord your God by walking in his ways and fearing him. For the Lord your God is bringing you into a good land of flowing streams and pools of water, with fountains and springs that gush out in the valleys and hills." -Deuteronomy 8:6

This week, I learned that the Lord teaches us the most through obedience. For the last seven days, I served as a camp counselor at a family camp in Tyler, Texas. As a counselor, I get to serve parents by taking care of their babes each morning and evening, which enables moms and dads to be husbands and wives for a few hours. The majority of young families at camp this last week had two or more children who were less than two years apart. Whether you're a parent or a teenager, surely you can imagine that these families came through the camp gates weary, downtrodden, and broken. Raising children is a challenge and blessing, but raising two preschoolers at once often presents more trials than triumphs. When you're constantly being pulled on, screamed at, or cried for, listening to your spouse or having alone time can seem like a pipe dream. Introduce: family camp.

Loving on these families has taught me the beautiful power of recklessly serving others. Every meal, parents walk into a dining hall filled with tables that are already set, plates that are already cooked and hot, and counselors that are more than happy to cut their children's plates and attend to their every need. Young families are able to talk to each other over a hot meal for the first time since their children were born, and no one has to worry about clean-up. During the day, parents get to be poured into through a speaker session and down time while their children are being taught the Gospel and mentored by Jesus-loving college students. Family camp is a place of healing for parents and children, and a place of service for college students. Despite the exhaustion of serving and providing for 40 families all day, everyday, I have never felt more filled with Christ than I did this last week at camp. As a counselor in the infant--pre-K ministry, I saw fathers pick up their toddlers with tears in their eyes, claiming that family camp had saved their marriage. Mothers came by to nurse their babies and encouraged and mentored my fellow counselors and I, each of us vulnerable and openhearted to the Lord's movement in the moment.
This spring, I was frustrated with my complacency towards God. I was reading my Bible somewhat regularly, attending church every Sunday, surrounded by incredible believers, and still felt leagues away from the Lord. I was ready for something deeper, but terrified of the unknown. Three years ago, the Lord broke my heart in worship to serve at this family camp that I've grown up attending. I wrote in the back of my Bible, "I have to work at family camp" as a reminder that despite what I would be leaving behind for two months, I had to apply to work at this camp, for some unknown reason. I was hesitant to leave my driveway and considered coming home at several points during training week, but serving as a family camp counselor has awoken my soul to God's faithfulness in obedience and His steadfast love. On Wednesday, I was attempting to spoon-feed a fussy 6-month old her first taste of solid food, mashed banana. All her life, this baby has only been nourished through her mother's nursing; needless to say, she hated the banana. For half an hour, I pleaded and begged this baby to accept the few spoonfuls of food she would need to be satisfied, but she rejected every teeny and tiny bite.
"Please eat this sweet baby, you need this yummy food to grow!" "I know what's best for you little baby, trust me."
Twenty minutes into feeding her, I realized that I treat the Father like this baby was treating me on a regular basis. How often does God call me to new seasons and leaps of faith, only for me to cry and resist? How often does God try to develop my brokenness into beauty, while I scream at the pain of exposing my sin and bitterness? Becoming a counselor meant that I would be leaving my hometown, friends, and the love of my life for two months, with only 24 hours of contact each weekend. I haven't hugged my mom, dad, or sister in nearly a month, and I won't see them until next week. I'm exhausted, losing my voice, and constantly attending to others' needs above my own.
THIS IS SCARY AND NEW!!!!! This is my mashed banana!
God has already moved mountains in my heart, strengthened my endurance, and filled me with immeasurable joy and love for each family that walks through our gates. I shudder at the selfish mindset I had before camp began, how I shirked serving others unless it put me in the spotlight. But Jesus has given me a new heart for others that never would have happened unless I let him nourish me with foreign experiences and lessons this last week. The Lord has led me into a good land of flowing love and pools of joy, that I'm free to dive into whenever my eyes shut tightly in prayer. God is merciful with our stubbornness, but He is quick to bless obedience. The lyrics to Multiply by the Desperation Band have been my heartbeat this week: "Take my life, multiply it. All that I am for your glory, all for your glory." I have one life to give, but giving it to the Lord's work can help bring healing to dozens of families this summer. How will you step out in obedience into the unknown? How will you let the Lord multiply your life for His glory? 

Purpose

C/O the ever-talented Marcus Clark

Hi friends, it's been a while. March was a long month, filled with trips home and big decisions, lazy days and crazy weeks, naps and tests. I started two blog posts that were never finished, I struggled to hear God in the selfishness and business of the everyday, and I filled my time with fleeting pleasures (Downton Abbey, I will always love you). March was an odd transition into my last sliver of time at Baylor.
I have five weeks left in Waco, Texas. Five weeks to find out why the Lord led me here, who the Lord led me here for. As easy as it is to sink into a pity party of student loans and homesickness, there is a purpose for my time here.
Purpose. A drive, a motivation, a meaning. The heartbeat of the human race, quite arguably, is to find one's purpose. What mark can you leave on the world? How are you going to establish a legacy? Why do you matter in this mass of cosmos and infinite space? The easy answer to these questions, the Sunday school answer, is Jesus. As a good, church-attending Christian, you are here to WWJD your way through life. That answer feels oddly dissatisfying though, as so few believers seem to actually do what Jesus would do.
The only reason I feel slightly worthy of shedding light on our calamity is because I fall short of this too. Every day, nearly every moment, in fact. My thoughts are filled with the future, with pretty dreams and a well-organized five-year plan. I snap back to the present just long enough to complete an assignment or engage in conversation with a friend over lunch. As I walk to class, as I drift in and out of the present, I am focused entirely on myself. That, readers, is a perfect strategy for losing one's purpose. See, I am not a big deal. I am not enough to orchestrate a life around. I am a shell of flesh, with a beating heart and fluttering soul, desperate for deeper meaning that can only be found in Jesus Christ. Trying to survive each day is not enough, orchestrating a picture-perfect life is not enough, living for my own ambitions and pleasure is not enough.
For weeks now, I've been puzzled by my relationship with God. The Lord felt further away from me than my family and home (200 miles), yet I was reading my Bible and praying every morning as usual. I was even allotting 45 minutes of my day for the Lord, rather than 20 minutes like last semester. Shouldn't that be enough to see the Holy Spirit in my day? I never considered that I wasn't leaving room for the Holy Spirit, not until a sermon from Church Under the Bridge this past Sunday. Church Under the Bridge is a unique collaboration of homeless and privileged, believer and skeptic, that takes place every Sunday morning at 11 am, right underneath the I-35 bridge across from Baylor's campus. My experience there was easily the best Sunday experience I've had in Waco. As Jimmy preached on Pentecost Sunday and the early church, I was convicted of my own selfishness and foolishness. I realized that the emptiness I felt at Baylor wasn't the university's fault, or the distance from home's fault, or the honors program's fault. My emptiness was a result of me filling myself with my own desires and crowding out the Holy Spirit. I was so focused on achieving a perfect future that I neglected the opportunity for the perfect present. I've made plans, back-up plans, strategies, and Pinterest boards for my future, without stopping to notice that there are people around me who need Christ's love.
Purpose comes from the Lord and His plans, not from our own achievements or appearances. 
Acts 1:8 promises that "you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes upon you. And you will be my witnesses, telling people about me everywhere." The Holy Spirit is our power, and witnessing is our purpose. You may not be called to missions or pastoring, but you are called to love others and represent Christ. You are called to ask the girl down the hall or down the street to lunch, for no reason. You are called to put the phone down and engage your cashier in earnest conversation. You are called to buy groceries for the person behind you at HEB. You are called to serve in your church on a regular basis. You are called to invest your life into your relationships, to make sure that people know they are loved. You are called. We, as the body of Christ, share a united purpose to live for a cause greater than ourselves. Our purpose is to witness through inconvenient kindness and counter-cultural selflessness. If you're feeling purposeless, search your heart for selfishness and bring it to the Lord. The Holy Spirit needs room to move, y'all.

Joy

"I will be filled with joy because of you. I will sing praises to your name, O Most High." Psalm 9:2 

As I sat in class this morning, staring at a subpar test score, panicked thoughts flashed across my mind.

If I don't get my grades up, I won't earn the transfer scholarship. 

If I don't earn the transfer scholarship, I'll get into even more student loan debt. 

How on earth can I pay off $_______ with no income?

I shouldn't even be in this class, I should have dropped it when I had the chance.

Stress and worry are smooth criminals. They lurk beneath the surface of a happy façade, waiting to come to light at the first hint of a deadline, promotion, project, or milestone. Stress and worry are thieves of joy, attacking us at our most vulnerable. They creep into our plans and daydreams like lions stalking prey. You're walking through the savanna of your day, brushing aside the tall grass around you, when a rustle sounds to your right: You forgot to buy groceries/file taxes/fill your gas tank. A mental note appears, and you're consumed with guilt for a moment. A few more steps, a few more minutes, and you stumble over a rock: There's a big meeting next week, and you're underprepared. Your stroll becomes a brisk walk, as you speed to outpace the threat of your thoughts. A low growl whispers in your ear: You'll never be able to finish the day's tasks. You're not good enough. Cue panic as the lion of worry attacks.

Moments like this can become ordinary if you aren't careful. For an unemployed college student with student loans in the process of transferring schools, moments like this lead to despair, frenzy, and the overwhelming urge to drop out of college altogether. It becomes all too easy to ask myself, "what's the point?" When I become stressed, I have a one-track mind for my insufficiency and failure. I neglect relationships, have a permanent scowl, and snap at the innocent. In the middle of my panic this morning, the Lord whispered to me: 

Daughter, when you are stressed and in despair, you've lost sight of your perfect joy in Christ. 

Wow. Where has my faith been?

To you, joy may be little more than a tiding of goodwill towards men, torn down with the garland and tinsel at the end of December (or January, or February, no judgment here). In actuality, joy is much grander than that. Jesus rocked my world yesterday with this gem from She Reads Truth:

True joy is not something that can be conjured up or willed.

Joy is not constant happiness or fake smiles, joy is faith, peace, and love's beautiful outpour. When we trust the Lord with the nitty-gritty details of our life, we have the freedom to love others well. Do you think that if you surrender the reins on your life to God, he's going to let your job, family, or education crumble? There is unexplainable peace found in Christ's joy, because joy is simply embracing and acknowledging your freedom in redemption. God offers joy to us at every turn, in every season, in all circumstances. All it takes is worship. All it takes is intimacy with Christ.  Acknowledging that God is greater than our current circumstances lifts the burdens of this world off of our shoulders so we can rejoice with gladness.

Finding joy requires faith in God's power, and an eternal perspective. This world is our temporary home, but if we put our faith in Jesus, we'll spend eternity worshipping. What greater joy can be found than in worshipping the Creator of all? What greater joy can be found in deep intimacy with the one who knows every star by name?

"You will show my the way of life, granting me the joy of your presence and the pleasures of living with you forever." Psalm 16:11

Love

"Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. For you will be treated as you treat others. The standard you use in judging is the standard by which you will be judged."
- Matthew 7:1-2

When you ask the Lord to soften your heart, be prepared. Be prepared for your eyes to be opened, your passions to be stirred, your calling to be shifted. A softened heart is the only way out of a spiritual rut, which spoiled Christians so easily fall into.

"I just really haven't felt the Lord move in the past few worship sets."
"I went to women's Bible study for an entire semester, and I didn't feel any different."
"I don't need to go to this youth retreat/men's weekend/women's conference, the last one was all about stuff I already know."

Y'all, I've been guilty of making these excuses more times than I can count. I've lamented the melancholy of a sermon series, daydreamed my way through worship, and dreaded volunteering at the next big church event. This is the result of a comfortable, self-centered Christianity. This is nowhere near the Gospel that Jesus and the early church died for.

My latest spiritual rut seemed to drag on for months; I read my Bible every morning, went to church every Sunday, sought out Christian community, and nothing changed. I was bored. This alone is remarkable, considering the Lord called me to the mission field of India this summer and I had been consumed by my calling for months. I had given into American Christianity: I wasn't being directly mentored or discipled, so I started slacking. I blinked my way through quiet time every morning, faked it until I made it in worship, and gave the Christian answers in conversation. My heart was hardened, and my breakthrough came when I began an in-depth study of Islam in my World Cultures class.

Spoiler: I didn't convert. I'm in love with the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, and Muslims miss out on 2/3 of that equation. Muslims believe in Allah, the Father/Creator God. Women cover themselves out of personal choice, not because their husbands or fathers force them into it. The widely misinterpreted "jihad" that many westerners use to explain terrorist attacks is actually broken into two segments: greater jihad, which is a call to inner spiritually purification for deeper intimacy with Allah, and lesser jihad, which is a call to fight back against those who have attacked Islam.

Chances are, as soon as I mentioned Islam, a wall went up. If you were asked to define America's number one enemy, I'm sure many of you would list Muslims within your top ten. Which is completely understandable, considering the horrifying slaughters committed by ISIS and Al-Qaeda in the past twenty years. By the way, did you know that every major Muslim institution has rejected ISIS as non-Muslim? Violence isn't a major way of life for Muslims, the word "Islam" translates to peace and submission to God. Why am I telling you this? Because God has taken my heart, examined it, and pointed out a major discrepancy against the gospel: I was scared of Muslims.

This may not sound like anything shocking, but my fear wasn't exclusive to ISIS or Al-Qaeda. My fear was of American Muslims, my fellow classmates, people I call friends. I had this idea that Muslims were "them" and Christians were "us", that Muslims are violent and aggressive, different from Christians in a dangerous way. Is now a good time to bring up the Crusades, when "we" were attacking "them" over a Pope's insistence that we win back some land?

Friends, excuse all my rambling and read this: Jesus has called us to love above all. He commands us not to defend ourselves, but to turn the other cheek. He commands us not to judge, or we will be judged. He has called us to be strong and courageous, and not have a spirit of fear. Are you seeing why my heart is so heavy? Y'all, American Christians haven't shown an ounce of love to American Muslims for a long time. We walk on the other side of the street, stare at their hijab, assume any dark-skinned man with an aggressive beard is secretly scheming with ISIS. I visited a Muslim mosque last Saturday on a class field trip, and left the church with tears on my face. When I told my love about the experience, I began weeping for the deep discrimination Muslims face every day. We have failed, fellow believers. Where is the love?

This isn't a political message, or a rant against Christians, this is a call to LOVE. Our greatest commandment from the Messiah is to love God and love others. Regardless of their religious views, skin color, culture, or background, we are called to love radically. We are called to love selflessly, unashamedly, and courageously. Does the gospel have the greatest reign over your life, or does cultural conformity win out? If you're in a spiritually dry season, love will pull you out.

"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance."
- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7