Broken

"For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest. A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance. A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to turn away. A time to search and a time to quit searching. A time to keep and a time to throw away. A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak. A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace."

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Let me begin with an apology for falling off the blogging bandwagon these last few weeks. February hit me like a ton of bricks and left little energy, desire, or time to write. Some of you may remember my blog post a few weeks ago, Bittersweet. The Lord had used a devotional and stress in my loved ones' lives to show me the benefit of the bitter amongst the pleasant. If life was all sweet, we would be left malnourished. After writing that post, I never guessed that my life would be flooded with bitterness in a matter of days. 

On Friday, February 3, my fiancé got into a major car accident. By the grace of God, he was left uninjured. His car, however, was totaled. His car, that was going to become our car when we were married. Suddenly, we were facing the possibility of car payment debt and lawsuits. 

A few hours later, one of my best friends from Baylor unexpectedly and suddenly passed away. I hadn't seen this friend in months, but he and I regularly talked about Tim and I's wedding, the future, and the struggles of dating long distance. He and I had bonded over being in serious, long distance relationships, and had studied together, walked to class together, and shared many laughs together. I always imagined that he and his girlfriend would be Tim and I's best friends after college, but without warning, he was gone. Thursday, he was asking me what the dress code was for my wedding. Friday night, he was with Jesus.

A few days later, I found out that the baby boy I nanny four days a week had been accepted into a daily preschool program. Selfishly, I was in agony over the days and moments I would miss out on not being able to see him every day. Logically, I knew the new program would benefit him academically, physically, and socially more than I ever could. 

Alone, one of these situations would have been shocking and scary. Together, they were devastating. I grew angry with God for allowing my friend to pass away without warning. I allowed fear to take over my heart as I began to face unemployment. I felt betrayed by my Father for allowing Tim to come remotely close to being hurt or killed in a car accident, one of my greatest fears. My bitter tears drowned out the sweet blessings that God had brought from hardship, and I couldn't bring myself to sing in worship because I didn't agree with the words on the screen. My faith was shaken, and nothing in my life seemed stable or trustworthy anymore. 

"What do people really get for all their hard work? I have seen the burden God has placed on us all. Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end. So I concluded there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can. And people should eat and drink and enjoy the fruits of their labor, for these are gifts from God." 

Ecclesiastes 3:9-13

This last weekend, my church hosted a student conference for youth groups across the state. Hundreds of students poured in our front doors to be molded and nurtured by the Gospel. Tim was spearheading the Heartwork Experience, an interactive journey designed to inspire students towards selflessness as they encounter the brokenness across the world. Heartwork is a ministry started out of Colorado Springs whose mission is revolutionary and beautifully simple: open students eyes to true poverty, and give them tools to help those who can't help themselves. Our church's Heartwork Experience focused on Antigua, Guatemala, and as students were confronted with statistics, testimonies, and images of poverty, they were broken by brokenness. 

What our students didn't see is the weeks of selflessness and sacrifice that went in to designing, building, and decorating the Experience. Tim was the team leader for Heartwork, so I made myself as available as possible for him. An emotionally exhausting week was followed by a physically exhausting week, and the bitterness persisted. The bitterness persisted, raged, and thrived until I saw the fruits of my labor this last weekend. My feet ached, but my heart was full as I was able to pray over dozens of students who walked through what I had helped create. Stories I had researched and rewritten brought students to tears. Letters I had typed through the eyes of a child moved hearts and broadened minds. My maternal heart enabled me to nurture students through prayer, encourage them as they saw the world through new eyes, and be patient with those who just didn't get it. My gifts that could only come from a good, good Father were being used to mark future world-changers, and that realization was a drizzle of honey over a soured heart. 

"And I know that whatever God does is final. Nothing can be added to it or taken from it. God’s purpose is that people should fear him. What is happening now has happened before, and what will happen in the future has happened before, because God makes the same things happen over and over again."

Ecclesiastes 3:14-15

If you're not in the middle of a hard time, the season is coming. The Bible promises that there is a season for everything. The beautiful thing about seasons is that they end, and the world shifts a little when the next one arrives. Seasons are natural and God is sovereign over them. Seasons are repetitive and cyclical, "because God makes the same things happen over and over again" as the passage above declares. Whatever God does is final, out of our control, and all we can do is trust that He is working everything together for our ultimate good. When struggle comes, don't become angry as I did. Trust that God has a purpose in it. Here are some "purposes" that I've been fortunate enough to see:

• Tim's wreck enabled us to get two used cars with the money from his old car

• The death of my dear, dear friend has brought me closer to his girlfriend, who is a blessing and inspiration as her grief has strengthened her faith

• Losing daily snuggles with my favorite baby boy reinforced the calling to motherhood that God has placed on my life

You won't always see purpose in struggle immediately, but it is always there. God's plans never end in brokenness, but always in beauty. He redeems and restores all things in His perfect timing. 
P.S: This blog will be shifting in the next few weeks from Blogger to Wordpress, so be on the lookout for the release of our new domain! 

Freedom

"He forgives all my sins and heals my diseases. He redeems me from death and crowns me with love and tender mercies. He fills my life with good things. My youth is renewed like the eagle's!"

Psalm 103:3-5

Raise your hand if you've ever felt ashamed. Guilty. Unworthy. Chained.

I know this feeling well, as I'm surrounded by a world filled with seemingly perfect people. Whether it's the airbrushed model in an advertisement, the virtuous church member across the aisle, or the polished mother with a thriving blog and voluminous blowout, our culture presents insurmountable expectations for women to hurdle. What culture and society deems as "right" constantly changes, and by the time you've jammed yourself into a box of idealism, the standard has shifted. Imagine an acrobat striving to catch the high bar during a free-fall, failing every time, and you'll capture the condition of the human heart. Sometimes your fingers brush the cool metal, and sometimes you can't muster the courage to jump. Maybe you're so paralyzed with the fear of failure that you haven't even climbed up the platform, but remain on the ground frozen under the pressure of the fall.

This is not the life we were created for.

We were created to live under the privilege of our royal status as daughters of the King.

We were created to thrive in our natural gifting without measuring ourselves against a certain standard of creativity, beauty, value, or efficiency.

We were created to rejoice in our Father as He delights in us, His spotless and beautiful children.

In my devotional this morning, I discovered the perfect retaliation against culture's ludicrous expectations. As Paul is discussing laws and regulations regarding clean and unclean food, he asks a simple, defiant question that applies to so much more than dietary restrictions:

"For why should my freedom be limited by what someone else thinks?"

Can you say "hallelujah?"

The first churches to form after Christ's resurrection were struggling to balance cultural expectations with spiritual truths just as we are today. Today, pastors chase after culture so their church can stay relevant and trendy to high-maintenance millenials. Graphic designers create beautiful, Pinterest-worthy content to advertise Bible studies, sermon series, and worship events. Worship leaders have a definitive "look" based on the freshest lines at H&M and Pacsun. Keynote speakers walk the wobbly tightrope between building a fanbase and adhering to scripture, only to be persecuted when they go a step too far. The church today focuses so much on outward perfection that it can be easy to forget the purpose behind the polished printout. Following clothing trends is not a sin, agonizing over fonts and color schemes doesn't lead baby believers astray, and having thousands of followers on social media doesn't make you superficial. The risk of being culturally relevant is that endless striving and rebranding focuses less on faith, scripture, and grace and more on flashiness, tweeting, and screentime. When you look to Instagram or church attendance to validate you, you're ignoring the simple freedom of running with Christ. You're hovered over your computer when Jesus wants you to lay in the wildflowers. You're agonizing over the perfect morning devotional shot when the Holy Spirit is calling you to be humbly genuine. You're creating a Pinterest board of scriptures that you've never read with your own eyes in an actual Bible. Why do we succumb to the cultural pressure to compete and look a certain way when God designed us to thrive in our unique nature, barefoot and untamed? Why have we twisted Christian pillars to adhere to cultural norms?

Everyone's interpretation of freedom is different, but the freedom available to you and I as believers is clearly defined. To understand and shape your freedom in Christ, I thought it best to focus on the three principles of salvation: sola scriptura, sola gratia, and sola fide.

Sola scriptura, or by scripture alone, forms the essential moral code for Christianity. We must not check ourselves against our neighbor, a textbook, or a government, we must check ourselves against the Word of God alone. It is the only rulebook that never changes, never becomes outdated, and never fails. Live by His Word, and you'll find the life you were made for. 

Sola gratia, or by grace alone, counters any argument concerning salvation or righteousness. We are righteous by the grace of God alone. Our value in the Kingdom of Heaven is not determined by our goodness, virtue, service, or church hours. Our value in the Kingdom of Heaven is defined solely by the voluntary death of a perfect and blameless King, who walked through the same devastation and disappointment that every human does, yet escaped triumphant against sin. You cannot make yourself any more or less worthy of God's grace after accepting Christ as your savior. God is going to use you regardless of your track record or spiritual prowess. 

Sola fide, or by faith alone, is the key to the prior pillars of Christianity. Your faith in Christ alone unlocks the key to God's perfect, unending grace. Your faith in Christ alone opens your soul to the Holy Spirit, who uses scripture to lead you along the path of righteousness. Unless you believe that Christ is the Son of God, the divine and perfect King above all kings, you cannot walk in freedom. Faith is freedom. When you trust that God is who He says He is, every other truth in the Bible becomes your heart's cry. With faith, you trust that your value is found in Christ. With faith, you trust that your sin has been washed away by the blood of Jesus. With faith, you trust that nothing in this life compares to the joy found in Jesus. 

When you love God more than anything else, the shackles of society break. You cannot be bound by insecurity and comparison when your eyes are locked on Jesus. 

"So I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won't be doing what your sinful nature craves. The Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!"

Galatians 5:16, 22-23

There is no limit to the fruit you can bear through the Holy Spirit. There is no limit to the blessing that God can pour out in your life. There is no limit to the reach of Christ's redemptive power. Whether you've failed to meet the expectations of man or the commandments of scripture, take heart in this: your freedom is unlimited in Christ. Don't allow yourself to be influenced by unbiblical culture or unrealistic expectations. Spend time with the Lord daily, and discover what He has to say about living righteously. Abide in Christ, and you will bear fruit. Your worth is not determined by your own efforts, and that alone is freeing. Your worth and freedom are based solely on Christ's sacrifice for you, and that is irreversible and unchangeable. 

I love Jess Connolly's monologue on Eve. Eve may have a nasty reputation for committing the first sin, but there was a time before the Fall. No one knows how long Eve ran wild around Eden before the serpent came along. In her work Wild and Free, Connolly defines the freedom that Eve experienced with God as living "in a very pure and wild state, secure in who she was and confident in her purpose... [her] identity and purpose are uncomplicated and unhindered by [her] own insecurity or need for acknowledgement." In the Garden, Adam and Eve had ONE rule: don't eat the fruit on this tree. God didn't hand out a list of commandments until the Israelites got unruly in Exodus. Jesus came and streamlined those commandments into one rule: love God, and love others. Paul spent the majority of the New Testament sorting out cultural law from spiritual law. This reveals that God doesn't desire for us to live under a set of laws and regulations, but to run wild and carefree under His banner of love. When you find yourself securely in God's love, you'll obey and please Him out of gratitude and worship, not out of obligation or social pressure. 

"Once you had no identity as a people; now you are God's people. Once you received no mercy; now you have received God's mercy"

1 Peter 2: 10

Friends, what's more freeing than that?

Trust

Photo Credit: Wayfarer Photography

"Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. This is what the ancients were commended for. By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God’s command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible." Hebrews 11:1-3

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly." John 10:10

"Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me." John 15:4

Preface: Firstly, excuse my looooooooong absence from this sweet place. It's so hard to prioritize time for one more thing on my list, but I'm determined to continue blogging in the midst of school, wedding planning, house hunting, and nannying!

My last blog recorded the first week of my summer, when I was on a mountaintop of sorts with the Lord. If I had continued to blog after each week of camp, you would have seen a roller coaster of emotions that can only be explained by the exponential growth I underwent at camp. Every exasperation, irritation, and celebration was necessary for my stubborn heart to believe one thing: trust God alone. When I had a sleep-deprived infant in one arm and a toddler who reeked of- well you can imagine- I needed to trust God to get those babies and I through the next ten minutes. When I had a middle schooler who accepted Jesus as her savior three days prior ask me a thousand questions about the Lord, I had to trust God to answer her questions through me. When I faced a week of leading middle school girls after seven weeks of being a camp counselor, I had to trust that God would handle my emotional, physical, and spiritual deprivation. In every weary moment this summer, I prayed for the Lord to refill and guide me- and His love never failed. I have loved people more deeply than I thought possible this summer, and it's solely because of the Lord. I can trust the Lord with my energy, emotions, and essentials.

Flash forward two months, and I'm an engaged transfer student with a full agenda every day of the week. On Sundays, I'm in church from 8:30-12:30, loving on 6th graders from 5-8, and in college group from 8:15-9:30. On Mondays I get to love on the CUTEST little baby boy as his nanny, and cook dinner/meal prep for the next day. On Tuesday, I'm in school all day, without even a lunch break to compose myself. Wednesdays are Bible study, nannying for a different precious little girl, cooking dinner, and youth all evening. Thursdays are school all day WITH a lunch break, hallelujah. Fridays are nannying all day and date nights, and Saturdays are recovery/family day. Needless to say, it's all to easy to get caught up in the pattern of living from day to day, rather than moment to moment. Finding time to plan my wedding seems laughable, and finding a place for Tim & I to live next year has been impossible. Not only is his schedule even busier than mine, but we are also college kids with student loans who have never had to worry about paying for insurance or monthly rent. Stress has been piling itself onto our shoulders as we're consumed with the major life transitions that are only nine months away. There isn't time in the day or money in our pockets to manage real-life adulthood.

But don't we worship a God who created time? Don't we pray to a God of miracles?

Living in faith is a scary, seemingly illogical thought. But um... isn't that the definition of faith? Believing in the unknown, unproved, intangible? It's so easy to get caught up in the American Dream ideal that you have to work yourself to the bones in order to live in this world. You have to make a certain amount of money each month, you have to fill your schedule to a certain point to be successful, and you have to rely solely on your own efforts because you're a young independent with something to prove.

Did the Israelites do anything to free themselves? Did they part the Red Sea with their own hands? Did they tear the wall of Jericho down brick by brick? Did Solomon become wise because he holed himself up in a library all day, everyday? Did the disciples cast out demons because they had a college degree in exorcism? Did Paul free himself from prison?

NO!

Each and every story in the Bible is a tale of God's strength, not human strength. Not a single one of our Biblical heroes could have performed the miracles their lives were marked by. The freedom, protection, guidance, and power that God's people experienced were completely in their Savior's hands. The sheer belief that God would provide for them was enough to set the captives free. But God isn't solely in the freedom business. He created our bodies and minds, and he knows exactly what we need to have the abundant life that He promises us. Who are we, mere mortals, to believe that the Creator of the universe doesn't have a plan for our lives that includes joy? Jesus promises us abundant life, life full of joy and love and peace and kindness and satisfaction in Him. If we walk with Jesus, he'll take care of our every need. His plan for us can't be changed because of our own inadequacies or weaknesses, his plan for us is unchangeable, just like his power and love. When you're feeling overwhelmed and all control is slipping through your fingers, recognize that the enemy is trying to steal your joy and destroy your faith, and pray. The Father longs to protect and provide for his children, all you have to do is let him.

Week 1

"So obey the commands of the Lord your God by walking in his ways and fearing him. For the Lord your God is bringing you into a good land of flowing streams and pools of water, with fountains and springs that gush out in the valleys and hills." -Deuteronomy 8:6

This week, I learned that the Lord teaches us the most through obedience. For the last seven days, I served as a camp counselor at a family camp in Tyler, Texas. As a counselor, I get to serve parents by taking care of their babes each morning and evening, which enables moms and dads to be husbands and wives for a few hours. The majority of young families at camp this last week had two or more children who were less than two years apart. Whether you're a parent or a teenager, surely you can imagine that these families came through the camp gates weary, downtrodden, and broken. Raising children is a challenge and blessing, but raising two preschoolers at once often presents more trials than triumphs. When you're constantly being pulled on, screamed at, or cried for, listening to your spouse or having alone time can seem like a pipe dream. Introduce: family camp.

Loving on these families has taught me the beautiful power of recklessly serving others. Every meal, parents walk into a dining hall filled with tables that are already set, plates that are already cooked and hot, and counselors that are more than happy to cut their children's plates and attend to their every need. Young families are able to talk to each other over a hot meal for the first time since their children were born, and no one has to worry about clean-up. During the day, parents get to be poured into through a speaker session and down time while their children are being taught the Gospel and mentored by Jesus-loving college students. Family camp is a place of healing for parents and children, and a place of service for college students. Despite the exhaustion of serving and providing for 40 families all day, everyday, I have never felt more filled with Christ than I did this last week at camp. As a counselor in the infant--pre-K ministry, I saw fathers pick up their toddlers with tears in their eyes, claiming that family camp had saved their marriage. Mothers came by to nurse their babies and encouraged and mentored my fellow counselors and I, each of us vulnerable and openhearted to the Lord's movement in the moment.
This spring, I was frustrated with my complacency towards God. I was reading my Bible somewhat regularly, attending church every Sunday, surrounded by incredible believers, and still felt leagues away from the Lord. I was ready for something deeper, but terrified of the unknown. Three years ago, the Lord broke my heart in worship to serve at this family camp that I've grown up attending. I wrote in the back of my Bible, "I have to work at family camp" as a reminder that despite what I would be leaving behind for two months, I had to apply to work at this camp, for some unknown reason. I was hesitant to leave my driveway and considered coming home at several points during training week, but serving as a family camp counselor has awoken my soul to God's faithfulness in obedience and His steadfast love. On Wednesday, I was attempting to spoon-feed a fussy 6-month old her first taste of solid food, mashed banana. All her life, this baby has only been nourished through her mother's nursing; needless to say, she hated the banana. For half an hour, I pleaded and begged this baby to accept the few spoonfuls of food she would need to be satisfied, but she rejected every teeny and tiny bite.
"Please eat this sweet baby, you need this yummy food to grow!" "I know what's best for you little baby, trust me."
Twenty minutes into feeding her, I realized that I treat the Father like this baby was treating me on a regular basis. How often does God call me to new seasons and leaps of faith, only for me to cry and resist? How often does God try to develop my brokenness into beauty, while I scream at the pain of exposing my sin and bitterness? Becoming a counselor meant that I would be leaving my hometown, friends, and the love of my life for two months, with only 24 hours of contact each weekend. I haven't hugged my mom, dad, or sister in nearly a month, and I won't see them until next week. I'm exhausted, losing my voice, and constantly attending to others' needs above my own.
THIS IS SCARY AND NEW!!!!! This is my mashed banana!
God has already moved mountains in my heart, strengthened my endurance, and filled me with immeasurable joy and love for each family that walks through our gates. I shudder at the selfish mindset I had before camp began, how I shirked serving others unless it put me in the spotlight. But Jesus has given me a new heart for others that never would have happened unless I let him nourish me with foreign experiences and lessons this last week. The Lord has led me into a good land of flowing love and pools of joy, that I'm free to dive into whenever my eyes shut tightly in prayer. God is merciful with our stubbornness, but He is quick to bless obedience. The lyrics to Multiply by the Desperation Band have been my heartbeat this week: "Take my life, multiply it. All that I am for your glory, all for your glory." I have one life to give, but giving it to the Lord's work can help bring healing to dozens of families this summer. How will you step out in obedience into the unknown? How will you let the Lord multiply your life for His glory? 

Transition

"Don't you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Does this mean nothing to you? Can't you see that his kindness is intended to turn you from your sin?" Romans 2:4

As I sit on my back porch, the wind rustles the leaves in the trees and the pages in my Bible. Rather than the sunrise I usually see in my quiet time, I see Earl Grey clouds, swollen with rain, concealing the blue Texas sky from view. This change of weather comes at a change of seasons in my life. In two days, I will move from the home I've known for twelve years to a place I've dreamt of and visited throughout the last six. I leave my family, my church, my favorite person, my friendships, all behind for the sake of life change through the unknown. Surely you would expect me to be excited, nervous, eager for college. On the contrary, I've been battling anxiety, hesitancy, and fear. I blamed these feelings on the home I'd be leaving behind, the community I'd cultivated that could never be replicated. It wasn't until last Wednesday that God revealed the true reason behind my begrudging heart: He was leading me to summit the next peak in my life, but I wasn't trusting Him. I glanced at the obscure equipment lying at our feet, focused on my innumerable weaknesses, longed for the familiarity I'd left behind, rather than gazing on the beauty and strength of my Savior. Who was I not to trust the Creator with my transition to college life? As my dear dear T has been reminding me, God has secured me in the palm of His hand.

"When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer." Psalm 94:19

As I've come to this conclusion, a small flicker of joy has resumed in the hearth of my heart where there was previously desolation and despair. I eagerly await to see which friendships will bloom in harvest time, which church I'll connect with, which campus nook I'll have quiet time in. Jesus has planted delight, elation, and zeal within me. This fall will give me ample time to get alone with God, freedom to follow his call on my life. I can see the beauty of a sunrise on the horizon, and He's sailing this empty vessel toward a new shore. The wind of His presence is strong, His wisdom is sure, and His love is sound. I have no fear, for the One who knit me together has a firm grip on my unsteady hand.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take." Proverbs 3:5-6