Community

This past weekend, I visited dear friends in Waco, Texas. These girls have loved me more than I thought possible, live for Jesus, and pour themselves out as offerings on a daily basis. They have been the mouthpieces of God more times than I can count, and hold me accountable in every facet of life. These incredible women are my role models and soul sisters. Seeing them again for the first time in 4 months refreshed my spirit and filled my love tank to the brim; after an evening of laughter, snorting (all me), singing, and story-telling, I woke up early the next morning and sat with Jesus. As I sat in my friends' loft with a warm mug in my hands and the morning sunlight peaking through the curtains, I paid more attention to the Holy Spirit than I had in months. There was no urgency to rush through a devotional, jot down prayer requests, or go through a magical process guaranteed to please God. All I had to do was be still.

Waco was a place where I cursed, questioned, and praised God. Baylor was the place where I felt the deepest intimacy with God, but I realized this Friday that our intimacy stemmed from surrounding myself with His people. Despite recent fire, Baylor is a university that points to God in the details. The architecture, required Chapel classes, and Christian faculty create an environment for faith to flourish. "Pro Ecclesia, Pro Texana" doesn't guarantee an exclusively Christian campus, but it does draw in students who want to find Godly community in college. First semester was one of the loneliest seasons I've walked through, as I avoided every club meeting and sorority dinner because I was terrified of rejection.

After Christmas break, I began attending a Campus Crusade Bible study in my residence hall. The study was full of women just like me who wanted to know Jesus more. I had to get over some self-esteem issues, but eventually I started hanging out with them outside of the study. The girls in this group showed me the radiance and splendor of biblical community. Jesus came to give us abundant life, and I believe that a major part of that abundance comes from fellowship with other believers. When those around you are talking about moments they've had with Jesus, scripture that inspired them, or God's movement in their lives, it's contagious. I get excited to meet the Jesus that my friends have met, and that excitement causes me to want to be still. I struggle the most in my relationship with God when I'm pursuing Him alone, with no community cheering me on and holding me accountable. When I surround myself with Godly people, I want to become a Godly person. When I try to become a Godly person, I'm making myself like Christ, and growing into the woman He created me to be.

I don't have to come to Waco or join a Bible study to see God's plan and love, I just have to sit in the quiet beauty of His stillness, and listen. Christian fellowship helps me sit, inspires me to pursue God, and provides friends to hold my arms up when I feel like I can't worship through a valley. Do you have a Godly community that does this? If not, I urge you to seek one out. The connection will rarely be immediate, but it will come with time if you sacrifice your insecurities and discomfort for the sake of building relationship.

Jesus had twelve.

Who's walking alongside you?

Trust

Photo Credit: Wayfarer Photography

"Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. This is what the ancients were commended for. By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God’s command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible." Hebrews 11:1-3

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly." John 10:10

"Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me." John 15:4

Preface: Firstly, excuse my looooooooong absence from this sweet place. It's so hard to prioritize time for one more thing on my list, but I'm determined to continue blogging in the midst of school, wedding planning, house hunting, and nannying!

My last blog recorded the first week of my summer, when I was on a mountaintop of sorts with the Lord. If I had continued to blog after each week of camp, you would have seen a roller coaster of emotions that can only be explained by the exponential growth I underwent at camp. Every exasperation, irritation, and celebration was necessary for my stubborn heart to believe one thing: trust God alone. When I had a sleep-deprived infant in one arm and a toddler who reeked of- well you can imagine- I needed to trust God to get those babies and I through the next ten minutes. When I had a middle schooler who accepted Jesus as her savior three days prior ask me a thousand questions about the Lord, I had to trust God to answer her questions through me. When I faced a week of leading middle school girls after seven weeks of being a camp counselor, I had to trust that God would handle my emotional, physical, and spiritual deprivation. In every weary moment this summer, I prayed for the Lord to refill and guide me- and His love never failed. I have loved people more deeply than I thought possible this summer, and it's solely because of the Lord. I can trust the Lord with my energy, emotions, and essentials.

Flash forward two months, and I'm an engaged transfer student with a full agenda every day of the week. On Sundays, I'm in church from 8:30-12:30, loving on 6th graders from 5-8, and in college group from 8:15-9:30. On Mondays I get to love on the CUTEST little baby boy as his nanny, and cook dinner/meal prep for the next day. On Tuesday, I'm in school all day, without even a lunch break to compose myself. Wednesdays are Bible study, nannying for a different precious little girl, cooking dinner, and youth all evening. Thursdays are school all day WITH a lunch break, hallelujah. Fridays are nannying all day and date nights, and Saturdays are recovery/family day. Needless to say, it's all to easy to get caught up in the pattern of living from day to day, rather than moment to moment. Finding time to plan my wedding seems laughable, and finding a place for Tim & I to live next year has been impossible. Not only is his schedule even busier than mine, but we are also college kids with student loans who have never had to worry about paying for insurance or monthly rent. Stress has been piling itself onto our shoulders as we're consumed with the major life transitions that are only nine months away. There isn't time in the day or money in our pockets to manage real-life adulthood.

But don't we worship a God who created time? Don't we pray to a God of miracles?

Living in faith is a scary, seemingly illogical thought. But um... isn't that the definition of faith? Believing in the unknown, unproved, intangible? It's so easy to get caught up in the American Dream ideal that you have to work yourself to the bones in order to live in this world. You have to make a certain amount of money each month, you have to fill your schedule to a certain point to be successful, and you have to rely solely on your own efforts because you're a young independent with something to prove.

Did the Israelites do anything to free themselves? Did they part the Red Sea with their own hands? Did they tear the wall of Jericho down brick by brick? Did Solomon become wise because he holed himself up in a library all day, everyday? Did the disciples cast out demons because they had a college degree in exorcism? Did Paul free himself from prison?

NO!

Each and every story in the Bible is a tale of God's strength, not human strength. Not a single one of our Biblical heroes could have performed the miracles their lives were marked by. The freedom, protection, guidance, and power that God's people experienced were completely in their Savior's hands. The sheer belief that God would provide for them was enough to set the captives free. But God isn't solely in the freedom business. He created our bodies and minds, and he knows exactly what we need to have the abundant life that He promises us. Who are we, mere mortals, to believe that the Creator of the universe doesn't have a plan for our lives that includes joy? Jesus promises us abundant life, life full of joy and love and peace and kindness and satisfaction in Him. If we walk with Jesus, he'll take care of our every need. His plan for us can't be changed because of our own inadequacies or weaknesses, his plan for us is unchangeable, just like his power and love. When you're feeling overwhelmed and all control is slipping through your fingers, recognize that the enemy is trying to steal your joy and destroy your faith, and pray. The Father longs to protect and provide for his children, all you have to do is let him.

Week 1

"So obey the commands of the Lord your God by walking in his ways and fearing him. For the Lord your God is bringing you into a good land of flowing streams and pools of water, with fountains and springs that gush out in the valleys and hills." -Deuteronomy 8:6

This week, I learned that the Lord teaches us the most through obedience. For the last seven days, I served as a camp counselor at a family camp in Tyler, Texas. As a counselor, I get to serve parents by taking care of their babes each morning and evening, which enables moms and dads to be husbands and wives for a few hours. The majority of young families at camp this last week had two or more children who were less than two years apart. Whether you're a parent or a teenager, surely you can imagine that these families came through the camp gates weary, downtrodden, and broken. Raising children is a challenge and blessing, but raising two preschoolers at once often presents more trials than triumphs. When you're constantly being pulled on, screamed at, or cried for, listening to your spouse or having alone time can seem like a pipe dream. Introduce: family camp.

Loving on these families has taught me the beautiful power of recklessly serving others. Every meal, parents walk into a dining hall filled with tables that are already set, plates that are already cooked and hot, and counselors that are more than happy to cut their children's plates and attend to their every need. Young families are able to talk to each other over a hot meal for the first time since their children were born, and no one has to worry about clean-up. During the day, parents get to be poured into through a speaker session and down time while their children are being taught the Gospel and mentored by Jesus-loving college students. Family camp is a place of healing for parents and children, and a place of service for college students. Despite the exhaustion of serving and providing for 40 families all day, everyday, I have never felt more filled with Christ than I did this last week at camp. As a counselor in the infant--pre-K ministry, I saw fathers pick up their toddlers with tears in their eyes, claiming that family camp had saved their marriage. Mothers came by to nurse their babies and encouraged and mentored my fellow counselors and I, each of us vulnerable and openhearted to the Lord's movement in the moment.
This spring, I was frustrated with my complacency towards God. I was reading my Bible somewhat regularly, attending church every Sunday, surrounded by incredible believers, and still felt leagues away from the Lord. I was ready for something deeper, but terrified of the unknown. Three years ago, the Lord broke my heart in worship to serve at this family camp that I've grown up attending. I wrote in the back of my Bible, "I have to work at family camp" as a reminder that despite what I would be leaving behind for two months, I had to apply to work at this camp, for some unknown reason. I was hesitant to leave my driveway and considered coming home at several points during training week, but serving as a family camp counselor has awoken my soul to God's faithfulness in obedience and His steadfast love. On Wednesday, I was attempting to spoon-feed a fussy 6-month old her first taste of solid food, mashed banana. All her life, this baby has only been nourished through her mother's nursing; needless to say, she hated the banana. For half an hour, I pleaded and begged this baby to accept the few spoonfuls of food she would need to be satisfied, but she rejected every teeny and tiny bite.
"Please eat this sweet baby, you need this yummy food to grow!" "I know what's best for you little baby, trust me."
Twenty minutes into feeding her, I realized that I treat the Father like this baby was treating me on a regular basis. How often does God call me to new seasons and leaps of faith, only for me to cry and resist? How often does God try to develop my brokenness into beauty, while I scream at the pain of exposing my sin and bitterness? Becoming a counselor meant that I would be leaving my hometown, friends, and the love of my life for two months, with only 24 hours of contact each weekend. I haven't hugged my mom, dad, or sister in nearly a month, and I won't see them until next week. I'm exhausted, losing my voice, and constantly attending to others' needs above my own.
THIS IS SCARY AND NEW!!!!! This is my mashed banana!
God has already moved mountains in my heart, strengthened my endurance, and filled me with immeasurable joy and love for each family that walks through our gates. I shudder at the selfish mindset I had before camp began, how I shirked serving others unless it put me in the spotlight. But Jesus has given me a new heart for others that never would have happened unless I let him nourish me with foreign experiences and lessons this last week. The Lord has led me into a good land of flowing love and pools of joy, that I'm free to dive into whenever my eyes shut tightly in prayer. God is merciful with our stubbornness, but He is quick to bless obedience. The lyrics to Multiply by the Desperation Band have been my heartbeat this week: "Take my life, multiply it. All that I am for your glory, all for your glory." I have one life to give, but giving it to the Lord's work can help bring healing to dozens of families this summer. How will you step out in obedience into the unknown? How will you let the Lord multiply your life for His glory? 

Purpose

C/O the ever-talented Marcus Clark

Hi friends, it's been a while. March was a long month, filled with trips home and big decisions, lazy days and crazy weeks, naps and tests. I started two blog posts that were never finished, I struggled to hear God in the selfishness and business of the everyday, and I filled my time with fleeting pleasures (Downton Abbey, I will always love you). March was an odd transition into my last sliver of time at Baylor.
I have five weeks left in Waco, Texas. Five weeks to find out why the Lord led me here, who the Lord led me here for. As easy as it is to sink into a pity party of student loans and homesickness, there is a purpose for my time here.
Purpose. A drive, a motivation, a meaning. The heartbeat of the human race, quite arguably, is to find one's purpose. What mark can you leave on the world? How are you going to establish a legacy? Why do you matter in this mass of cosmos and infinite space? The easy answer to these questions, the Sunday school answer, is Jesus. As a good, church-attending Christian, you are here to WWJD your way through life. That answer feels oddly dissatisfying though, as so few believers seem to actually do what Jesus would do.
The only reason I feel slightly worthy of shedding light on our calamity is because I fall short of this too. Every day, nearly every moment, in fact. My thoughts are filled with the future, with pretty dreams and a well-organized five-year plan. I snap back to the present just long enough to complete an assignment or engage in conversation with a friend over lunch. As I walk to class, as I drift in and out of the present, I am focused entirely on myself. That, readers, is a perfect strategy for losing one's purpose. See, I am not a big deal. I am not enough to orchestrate a life around. I am a shell of flesh, with a beating heart and fluttering soul, desperate for deeper meaning that can only be found in Jesus Christ. Trying to survive each day is not enough, orchestrating a picture-perfect life is not enough, living for my own ambitions and pleasure is not enough.
For weeks now, I've been puzzled by my relationship with God. The Lord felt further away from me than my family and home (200 miles), yet I was reading my Bible and praying every morning as usual. I was even allotting 45 minutes of my day for the Lord, rather than 20 minutes like last semester. Shouldn't that be enough to see the Holy Spirit in my day? I never considered that I wasn't leaving room for the Holy Spirit, not until a sermon from Church Under the Bridge this past Sunday. Church Under the Bridge is a unique collaboration of homeless and privileged, believer and skeptic, that takes place every Sunday morning at 11 am, right underneath the I-35 bridge across from Baylor's campus. My experience there was easily the best Sunday experience I've had in Waco. As Jimmy preached on Pentecost Sunday and the early church, I was convicted of my own selfishness and foolishness. I realized that the emptiness I felt at Baylor wasn't the university's fault, or the distance from home's fault, or the honors program's fault. My emptiness was a result of me filling myself with my own desires and crowding out the Holy Spirit. I was so focused on achieving a perfect future that I neglected the opportunity for the perfect present. I've made plans, back-up plans, strategies, and Pinterest boards for my future, without stopping to notice that there are people around me who need Christ's love.
Purpose comes from the Lord and His plans, not from our own achievements or appearances. 
Acts 1:8 promises that "you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes upon you. And you will be my witnesses, telling people about me everywhere." The Holy Spirit is our power, and witnessing is our purpose. You may not be called to missions or pastoring, but you are called to love others and represent Christ. You are called to ask the girl down the hall or down the street to lunch, for no reason. You are called to put the phone down and engage your cashier in earnest conversation. You are called to buy groceries for the person behind you at HEB. You are called to serve in your church on a regular basis. You are called to invest your life into your relationships, to make sure that people know they are loved. You are called. We, as the body of Christ, share a united purpose to live for a cause greater than ourselves. Our purpose is to witness through inconvenient kindness and counter-cultural selflessness. If you're feeling purposeless, search your heart for selfishness and bring it to the Lord. The Holy Spirit needs room to move, y'all.

Joy

"I will be filled with joy because of you. I will sing praises to your name, O Most High." Psalm 9:2 

As I sat in class this morning, staring at a subpar test score, panicked thoughts flashed across my mind.

If I don't get my grades up, I won't earn the transfer scholarship. 

If I don't earn the transfer scholarship, I'll get into even more student loan debt. 

How on earth can I pay off $_______ with no income?

I shouldn't even be in this class, I should have dropped it when I had the chance.

Stress and worry are smooth criminals. They lurk beneath the surface of a happy façade, waiting to come to light at the first hint of a deadline, promotion, project, or milestone. Stress and worry are thieves of joy, attacking us at our most vulnerable. They creep into our plans and daydreams like lions stalking prey. You're walking through the savanna of your day, brushing aside the tall grass around you, when a rustle sounds to your right: You forgot to buy groceries/file taxes/fill your gas tank. A mental note appears, and you're consumed with guilt for a moment. A few more steps, a few more minutes, and you stumble over a rock: There's a big meeting next week, and you're underprepared. Your stroll becomes a brisk walk, as you speed to outpace the threat of your thoughts. A low growl whispers in your ear: You'll never be able to finish the day's tasks. You're not good enough. Cue panic as the lion of worry attacks.

Moments like this can become ordinary if you aren't careful. For an unemployed college student with student loans in the process of transferring schools, moments like this lead to despair, frenzy, and the overwhelming urge to drop out of college altogether. It becomes all too easy to ask myself, "what's the point?" When I become stressed, I have a one-track mind for my insufficiency and failure. I neglect relationships, have a permanent scowl, and snap at the innocent. In the middle of my panic this morning, the Lord whispered to me: 

Daughter, when you are stressed and in despair, you've lost sight of your perfect joy in Christ. 

Wow. Where has my faith been?

To you, joy may be little more than a tiding of goodwill towards men, torn down with the garland and tinsel at the end of December (or January, or February, no judgment here). In actuality, joy is much grander than that. Jesus rocked my world yesterday with this gem from She Reads Truth:

True joy is not something that can be conjured up or willed.

Joy is not constant happiness or fake smiles, joy is faith, peace, and love's beautiful outpour. When we trust the Lord with the nitty-gritty details of our life, we have the freedom to love others well. Do you think that if you surrender the reins on your life to God, he's going to let your job, family, or education crumble? There is unexplainable peace found in Christ's joy, because joy is simply embracing and acknowledging your freedom in redemption. God offers joy to us at every turn, in every season, in all circumstances. All it takes is worship. All it takes is intimacy with Christ.  Acknowledging that God is greater than our current circumstances lifts the burdens of this world off of our shoulders so we can rejoice with gladness.

Finding joy requires faith in God's power, and an eternal perspective. This world is our temporary home, but if we put our faith in Jesus, we'll spend eternity worshipping. What greater joy can be found than in worshipping the Creator of all? What greater joy can be found in deep intimacy with the one who knows every star by name?

"You will show my the way of life, granting me the joy of your presence and the pleasures of living with you forever." Psalm 16:11

Love

"Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. For you will be treated as you treat others. The standard you use in judging is the standard by which you will be judged."
- Matthew 7:1-2

When you ask the Lord to soften your heart, be prepared. Be prepared for your eyes to be opened, your passions to be stirred, your calling to be shifted. A softened heart is the only way out of a spiritual rut, which spoiled Christians so easily fall into.

"I just really haven't felt the Lord move in the past few worship sets."
"I went to women's Bible study for an entire semester, and I didn't feel any different."
"I don't need to go to this youth retreat/men's weekend/women's conference, the last one was all about stuff I already know."

Y'all, I've been guilty of making these excuses more times than I can count. I've lamented the melancholy of a sermon series, daydreamed my way through worship, and dreaded volunteering at the next big church event. This is the result of a comfortable, self-centered Christianity. This is nowhere near the Gospel that Jesus and the early church died for.

My latest spiritual rut seemed to drag on for months; I read my Bible every morning, went to church every Sunday, sought out Christian community, and nothing changed. I was bored. This alone is remarkable, considering the Lord called me to the mission field of India this summer and I had been consumed by my calling for months. I had given into American Christianity: I wasn't being directly mentored or discipled, so I started slacking. I blinked my way through quiet time every morning, faked it until I made it in worship, and gave the Christian answers in conversation. My heart was hardened, and my breakthrough came when I began an in-depth study of Islam in my World Cultures class.

Spoiler: I didn't convert. I'm in love with the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, and Muslims miss out on 2/3 of that equation. Muslims believe in Allah, the Father/Creator God. Women cover themselves out of personal choice, not because their husbands or fathers force them into it. The widely misinterpreted "jihad" that many westerners use to explain terrorist attacks is actually broken into two segments: greater jihad, which is a call to inner spiritually purification for deeper intimacy with Allah, and lesser jihad, which is a call to fight back against those who have attacked Islam.

Chances are, as soon as I mentioned Islam, a wall went up. If you were asked to define America's number one enemy, I'm sure many of you would list Muslims within your top ten. Which is completely understandable, considering the horrifying slaughters committed by ISIS and Al-Qaeda in the past twenty years. By the way, did you know that every major Muslim institution has rejected ISIS as non-Muslim? Violence isn't a major way of life for Muslims, the word "Islam" translates to peace and submission to God. Why am I telling you this? Because God has taken my heart, examined it, and pointed out a major discrepancy against the gospel: I was scared of Muslims.

This may not sound like anything shocking, but my fear wasn't exclusive to ISIS or Al-Qaeda. My fear was of American Muslims, my fellow classmates, people I call friends. I had this idea that Muslims were "them" and Christians were "us", that Muslims are violent and aggressive, different from Christians in a dangerous way. Is now a good time to bring up the Crusades, when "we" were attacking "them" over a Pope's insistence that we win back some land?

Friends, excuse all my rambling and read this: Jesus has called us to love above all. He commands us not to defend ourselves, but to turn the other cheek. He commands us not to judge, or we will be judged. He has called us to be strong and courageous, and not have a spirit of fear. Are you seeing why my heart is so heavy? Y'all, American Christians haven't shown an ounce of love to American Muslims for a long time. We walk on the other side of the street, stare at their hijab, assume any dark-skinned man with an aggressive beard is secretly scheming with ISIS. I visited a Muslim mosque last Saturday on a class field trip, and left the church with tears on my face. When I told my love about the experience, I began weeping for the deep discrimination Muslims face every day. We have failed, fellow believers. Where is the love?

This isn't a political message, or a rant against Christians, this is a call to LOVE. Our greatest commandment from the Messiah is to love God and love others. Regardless of their religious views, skin color, culture, or background, we are called to love radically. We are called to love selflessly, unashamedly, and courageously. Does the gospel have the greatest reign over your life, or does cultural conformity win out? If you're in a spiritually dry season, love will pull you out.

"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance."
- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Gratefulness

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17

My relationship with the Lord could best be described with the word "gratefulness". God is constantly pouring his love out for me through tiny gifts and daily joys; whether it be an unexpected encounter with a friend, a short line at the café, or an especially delicious cup of tea, God loves to shower me with little pleasures. I don't think there's anything particularly unique about my relationship with the Lord, nor do I think that he favors me over anyone else. The only difference between a disgruntled believer and me is that I make a point of acknowledging that God truly loves me, and that he truly loves displaying that in everything. Some days I fail to remember this, and my countenance grows disgruntled and complacent, but the days I remember to credit the Lord are indubitably better, brighter, fuller. Isn't that the case with any relationship, though? We love to be appreciated and acknowledged for our actions and character, and don't you think God, who we're created in the image of, has the same trait? Something I realized in the lunch line today is that God is fully entitled to our adoration and praise because he paid for it. He owns us, he owns our lives, he owns our praise. He sacrificed his son, and Jesus sacrificed his life. We could never buy ourselves back or get a "refund" on the transaction. So why do we so often forget or straight up refuse to acknowledge God's love, after all he's done to ensure we notice it?
God wants to be appreciated, and he gives us endless reminders that he is worthy of it. The sunrise and sunset are daily masterpieces for humanity to appreciate.You have at least one person in your life who loves you, whether you decide to return that love or not (shoutout to under-appreciated parents and friends).  If you're reading this, that means you're wealthy enough to own a computer or smartphone. So, you also have the great privilege of being in the top 1% of the wealthiest people in the world. Do you realize that God has a big role to play in that? You have a house, an income, a beating heart, breath in your lungs, the will to think and choose for yourself. So, why do we 21st century Christians so often neglect our loving Father?
I believe that our tendency to overcomplicate things has a large role to play in this dilemma. We assume that living sacrificially for God will hurt more than living in selfish complacency. We assume that God will ask too much of us, or that we're not worthy enough for his kingdom. We assume that our earthly lives are of greater significance than others' eternal lives.

The simple truth is this: God loves you. He wants you to love him, and live like it.

Women, if your husband brought you a bouquet of flowers, would you ignore it in favor of social media or perfecting your Pinterest-worthy home? Men, if your wife cooked your favorite meal, would you let it grow cold on the table because the game was on? If you answered yes, you need marriage counseling. If you answered no, then remember that your relationship with Christ is a marriage. It is a covenant, paid for with blood, that requires work and honor and adoration and time. I'm not married, and some of you may not be either, but truly loving anybody requires the above criteria. Acknowledging God is an easy way to begin respecting him, listening to him, and living for him. Don't let God's gifts wilt or grow cold. Everything that makes your heart come alive, your insides warm and fuzzy, or your day more manageable is from God. Learn to be grateful for those everyday gifts, and joy will follow.

2K15

This morning, my grandparents' pastor reminded the church congregation that it was the last weekend of 2015. He went on to share how this year had been wonderful for him, with new additions to the family and college graduations to celebrate. His exuberance over his 2015 experience prompted me to make a collage celebrating my year as well. While I was scrolling through the abundance of screenshots, selfies, group photos, and vacation pictures, I realized that I had too many happy moments to compress into one collage. If I wanted to include every worthwhile memory from 2015, I would have filled your newsfeed with all the mushy gushy, feel-good vibes of my year. I chose the picture above to represent my year because God bombarded me with blessings the way my buddy Steve bombarded me with color powder. My relationships blossomed just like the beautiful wildflowers I found in my backyard this spring, my pursuit of God was more vibrant than the red powder streaking across my white dress, and my celebratory moments surpassed what I could have dreamed or imagined was possible for one year.

This year was honestly the best year of my life, but none of that would have happened if I hadn't dared to leave what was comfortable for the sake of the unknown. In January, I broke up with my boyfriend of two years after realizing that we were being crippled by the convenience of our relationship. Two years prior, we had started on a path together, hand in hand, overcome with the giddiness of puppy love and infatuation. But as time had passed, we had come to a fork in the road, and I went left when he went right. Our grip on one another was strained, our words grew distant and undistinguishable, and we simply couldn't continue down our destined paths together. Leaving my ex was the most daunting, scary, and necessary decision I'd ever had to make, but it propelled me from the valley of complacency into green pastures.

February and March were filled with girls' nights, books and hot baths, and almost-relationships that were classified with the ever elusive "we're talking." In April, I had my senior prom and it was the most fun I had in all of high school. I was ignoring God just as I had for the past year and a half, but I started journaling again. Journaling led to asking questions in prayer, and by April, I was more open to receive God than I had been in years. At a church conference, I heard a sermon about the immoral woman in Luke 7. The woman came to Jesus while he was eating, poured expensive perfume over him, and washed his feet with her tears, wiping them away with her hair. I had never felt so connected to a biblical character as I did to that woman. She and I were one, both pursuing the gazes of men and placing our worth in material things. Rather than washing Jesus' feet, I wrote him a love letter in a dark corner of the sanctuary, hiding from those around me as I laid myself bare before my king. That was my first great blessing of 2015: reclaimed intimacy with God.

That spring, I started having quiet time every morning on my back porch. I worshipped, I prayed for others, I confessed my brokenness, I read the Word, day in and day out. The better part of my senior year was spent pursuing Christ and praying for those around me who were still stuck in the stagnant Christianity I had just escaped. Joy was easier to find in the everyday, and I truly loved my classmates and my church. I went to Sadie Hawkins with my close guy friend, I gave the opening remarks at graduation, and I left high school satisfied that I had made the most of my last two months there. Summer was just beginning though, and the path the Lord was leading me on was about to get a little more crowded.

Fresh out of high school and alive with summertime, I introduced myself to a cute stranger after church. For the first time in my life (honestly), I had no desire to date anyone, and was completely satisfied in pursuing Christ rather than boys. I didn't expect anything to develop, but I started noticing him everywhere after that. I wanted to tell my friends about him, even though we'd had a handful of conversations and I barely knew him. I sensed a crush coming on, and so June and July were spent fighting it off, reading my Bible, going to summer camp, and preparing for college. Mid-July, my youth group went to Colorado for what would be my seventh Desperation Conference experience. My crush was there, as a middle school boys leader, and I fled from him at every opportunity. Not only was Tim handsome, but he was well-read, loved the Lord, and looked at me like I'd always wanted a man to. He had warm eyes, a kind smile, laughed easily... I was smitten. This was the beginning of my second big blessing.

Before that date came along, however, the Lord planted a seed in my heart for missions. Suddenly, I saw myself washing the feet of the Dalits in India, walking down the dirty streets, and loving on the unloved. Small, forgotten threads from my life were sewn together, and I could finally see how the various fabric swatches of passions, experiences, and goals fit together to reveal my life purpose. I was created to love the Dalit people, the most mistreated people group in India. Then and now, my heart swells when I hear them mentioned, when I come across a worship song or Bible verse about orphans, or when I see a mission trip advertised on campus. Oddly enough, I had an intense longing to tell Tim about my call, so on our second date, I did. Surprisingly, he had been called to missions too, just a couple weeks prior. An indescribable peace encompassed me as he described how he'd heard from the Lord, and over the next few weeks, we were inseparable.

Come August, I left my home of twelve years for my first semester of college. My roommate and I clung to each other in those first few days away from home, and we went from acquaintances to sisters in a matter of weeks. The spring and summer leading up to school were filled with blessings: intimacy with the Lord, healed relationships with my parents, unexpected scholarships, and Tim. Fall, however, brought different kinds of blessings: those that come with trial, struggle, and tear-filled nights. I hated school, I hated being away from home, I hated spending my time and money on what felt worthless. I met amazing people and learned more about the world and myself than I ever had, but I cried at least once a week to Tim about missing home. My blessings went from the abstract and spiritual to the everyday and minute. I praised the Lord for a good cup of coffee, for a stranger opening the door for me, for a 70 degree day. My path of life had darkened with menacing forests of debt, loneliness, and purposelessness. To combat the dreariness, I had to focus on the wildflowers on the forest floor, the tiny gifts God planted in my days to get me through my descent from the mountaintop of summer. 

By November, I started going to counseling, cried half as often, and forced myself to enjoy the allotted time I had to spend away from home. The blessings were still small, but every visit home gave me a taste of heaven to get me through hell. I was able to lead the sixth grade girls at a youth retreat back home, and got to love on a special needs sweetheart in my group. On my last day of class at school, I got a call from Pine Cove family camp and was told that my counselor application had been accepted. I came home with a high GPA and a wide open Christmas break, and have spent every day with people I love. 

This year, I gained invaluable friendships, met incredible people, and have the future I've always dreamed of within reach. There have been struggles, but my greatest blessing has been the joy to get me through all seasons. This year has been my best, because I know who I am in Christ, and have full freedom to walk in that identity. But all my blessings began with a tough decision. As the new year approaches, think about what your decision will be for 2016. Do you need to end a dating relationship or unhealthy friendship? Do you need to take time to discover who you are in Christ? Is it time to take a career risk, or transfer to a new school, or move to a new community? Whatever your decision is, know this: God is always calling us to higher purposes than our own. As you enter into 2016, find comfort in letting God's word be the lamp on your feet and the light on your path. Pursue Him, and His peace will lead you through whatever triumphs and struggles come this year. But it all starts with a decision: what, or who, is holding you back from Him?

Transition

"Don't you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Does this mean nothing to you? Can't you see that his kindness is intended to turn you from your sin?" Romans 2:4

As I sit on my back porch, the wind rustles the leaves in the trees and the pages in my Bible. Rather than the sunrise I usually see in my quiet time, I see Earl Grey clouds, swollen with rain, concealing the blue Texas sky from view. This change of weather comes at a change of seasons in my life. In two days, I will move from the home I've known for twelve years to a place I've dreamt of and visited throughout the last six. I leave my family, my church, my favorite person, my friendships, all behind for the sake of life change through the unknown. Surely you would expect me to be excited, nervous, eager for college. On the contrary, I've been battling anxiety, hesitancy, and fear. I blamed these feelings on the home I'd be leaving behind, the community I'd cultivated that could never be replicated. It wasn't until last Wednesday that God revealed the true reason behind my begrudging heart: He was leading me to summit the next peak in my life, but I wasn't trusting Him. I glanced at the obscure equipment lying at our feet, focused on my innumerable weaknesses, longed for the familiarity I'd left behind, rather than gazing on the beauty and strength of my Savior. Who was I not to trust the Creator with my transition to college life? As my dear dear T has been reminding me, God has secured me in the palm of His hand.

"When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer." Psalm 94:19

As I've come to this conclusion, a small flicker of joy has resumed in the hearth of my heart where there was previously desolation and despair. I eagerly await to see which friendships will bloom in harvest time, which church I'll connect with, which campus nook I'll have quiet time in. Jesus has planted delight, elation, and zeal within me. This fall will give me ample time to get alone with God, freedom to follow his call on my life. I can see the beauty of a sunrise on the horizon, and He's sailing this empty vessel toward a new shore. The wind of His presence is strong, His wisdom is sure, and His love is sound. I have no fear, for the One who knit me together has a firm grip on my unsteady hand.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take." Proverbs 3:5-6

Complacency

"The place God calls you is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet."
-Frederick Buechner

This quote struck me hard this past week at college orientation. How amazing that the Lord would connect my recent calling to mission with my longing for travel and complacency in the states. He instilled a desire for service and travel in me to further his kingdom, and has called me to a spiritually dark and impoverished people group. The thought that I, a typical college student, could impact a young girl in sex trafficking, a desperate man stealing loose change to make ends meet, or a single mother whose children scavenge in the city dump for meals, blows my mind. God's awesome power and steadfast love will equip me far more than any program or funding ever could. He's going to provide for me in incredible ways, because there's no way on earth I could accomplish anything in the kingdom without his provision and blessing. Simply put, missions is where my deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet.
While I'm overjoyed to have a purpose and renewed passion for the Father, I can't help but be heartbroken for those who are stuck where I was just six months ago. Complacent Christianity dominates the American church to a horrifying extent, and it absolutely destroys God's heart. Imagine a man whose love, power, and resources surpass measure. Imagine this wealthy philanthropist sees his son or daughter is struggling to pay off their college debt, going through a breakup, or feels lonely and worthless. How foolish would the son or daughter be to refuse his help? "No, I don't need your money, I'd rather work sixty hours a week for the next twenty years and live on the poverty line." "That's nice of you to say you collect my every tear and all, but I think I'll settle into the next available rebound instead." "Thanks for the sympathy Dad, but I'd rather sit in my depression."
Y'all, this is how we treat God EVERY DAY. He has a beautiful story written for us, but so often our pride gets in the way as we try to take control our own lives. While you're struggling to make ends meet, there's a God who owns all the money in the world that's only a prayer away. His heart is to defend the poor, rescue the needy, and crush your oppressors (Psalm 71:4). He cares about every need you have, from debt to loneliness to aimlessness. How destitute must the human heart become before it recognizes its deep need for Christ? Christ's heart beats for you. His life was dedicated to saving yours. He's your rescuer and redeemer. Pursue him daily, give your heart and life to him every morning, and trust in his provision. "Awake, O sleeper, rise up from the dead, and Christ will give you light." (Ephesians 5:14)

Hearts

This summer has been astounding. Correction: the Lord is astounding. June and July have been abundant in blessing, joy, compassion, and revelation. God is good. He longs to bless his children in any way he can, and he will grant the desires of their hearts. Tread carefully here, he doesn't grant the desires of our fleshly, worldly, selfish hearts- he grants the desires of our redeemed, restored, reborn hearts. Those hearts, touched by Christ, eventually desire the will of God. Deep deep down, we all have inner passions, goals, and longings that were planted by our Creator. The sweetest offering we can bring before the Father is the thing that has the power to depress and elate, to give or steal, to wound or encourage: our hearts.
To seek the praise of God is to seek fulfillment, but to seek the praise of man is to seek destruction. Nearly every sin I've committed is rooted in my tendency to throw my heart to men. I long for recognition, intimacy, encouragement, stability, and love. These longings are made perfect in Christ, but are devastated by men. I was a withered tree, doomed to dormancy and idleness; I was burdened with pride, selfishness, lust, and hatred. These past few weeks, I've focused in worship and prayer on giving the Lord my entire heart, and he's brought fruit from my withered soul.
Pursuing Christ has rocked my world, y'all. He's showering me with such abundant blessing, I couldn't dry off if I tried. Every prayer, minute and massive, has been answered- especially this past month. Preceding a recent trip to Colorado, my youth pastor encouraged our student ministry to ask the Lord what he wanted to reveal to us in the mountains. For several months now, I've been begging God to connect me with people who were passionately chasing after him. When I shut my eyes to pray, however, the word "calling" flashed through my mind. "Destiny" quickly followed. So I prayed. I prayed every day for a week that the Lord would reveal my calling and destiny. After that week, the longing was buried under fresher desires, as the dearth of direction for my life widened. Praise be to God, for he neglects nothing. A week after I'd ceased my fervency, I had a vision of what God has always planned for me to do, what he planted in my heart long before I was conceived. My calling was revealed. I don't feel a peace about sharing it just yet, but please recognize the Lord's faithfulness in this. He is a loyal lover and friend, a caring counselor.
Not only has God revealed my calling to me, but he's also connected me with a few amazing, indescribable, passionate people who are sprinting after the cross. I have no doubt that these people will partner alongside me in the pursuit of God, and they love me just as he does. Y'all, he desires to satisfy our every craving, our every need. He wants our hearts! Our slimy, filthy, abused and sinful hearts! He turns our beauty to ashes and rescues the lost sheep. There's nothing more beautiful than the soul of a person who's recognized their deep need for the Gospel. Let his radiance glow within you, and his spirit work through you. Dedicate your everything to Christ, and he will bless it!

Progress

Each day holds blessings and struggles. Each day, you and I have an opportunity to fight for joy, give in to melancholy, or drown in despondency. Despite the day's circumstances, attitude is a choice. Everyone has experienced trials, whether its a cancer diagnosis, a break-up, or a career termination. No trial is any less impactful or significant than another, because everyone's perception of what is "difficult", "traumatic", or "depressing" is different. Personally, I've been dealing with an onslaught of memories concerning someone I used to be very close to. These recollections sneak into my thoughts during my quiet time, while I'm sitting in a desk at school, and when I'm laying in bed at night. I'm also trying to accept the fact that the Lord wants me to stay single for an indefinite amount of time-a difficult task for someone who recently got out of a two-year relationship. Amazing guys step out of the background of my life, just to float back into the abyss due to "bad timing". I begin comparing myself to other girls, settling for lower-caliber guys, desperately pursuing love and affection to fill the void left by my break-up that I know only the Lord can fill.
For what seems like the first time in my life, I'm truly pursuing a relationship with God, yet I can't manage to escape my past desires and longings.
Needless to say, its frustrating.
Maybe your current struggle seems more life-changing than mine. Perhaps you're like my amazing friend, T, who's praying for a miracle to heal his grandmother's tumors. Perhaps you're like someone I used to know who lost a family member to suicide. Perhaps you're floundering in debt, or guilt, or failure.
Whatever your struggle, God can lift you out of it. Yes, you've heard that a thousand times before. You've read every Bible verse, self-help book, and inspirational blog post about suffering, to no avail. But I'm not here to inspire you, simply to act as Jesus does- by sitting in your struggle with you. Jesus doesn't give us an escape route to flee from sorrows, but he does promise to walk us through it. Regardless of how phenomenal your friends and family are, they are only human. They will fail you at one point or another, whether it's intentional or accidental. That's the beautiful thing about Christ- he's without fault. He's incapable of failure. Do you really expect the Creator of the Universe and Ultimate Sacrifice to let you drown?
Each morning in my quiet time, I sit on the back porch and watch as the morning dew and soft sunrise coats the wildflowers in remarkable serenity. I gaze, awestruck, at the flowers that were small blooms just one day before. God has been teaching me something through His creation: He handcrafted those flowers to sprinkle beauty into my life. Each petal, each bloom, each stalk serves as a tiny Tiffany box from the Lord. The key to finding joy in tribulation is trusting in God's provision and seeking the beautiful in the everyday. Christ created music, flowers, and books to fill our souls with pleasure. Don't allow your problems to take center stage while His creation flitters in the background. Take a deep breath and lift your eyes to the masterpiece of life.

"I was filled with delight day after day, rejoicing always in His presence, rejoicing in His whole world and delighting in mankind."
Proverbs 8:30b-31

Epiphany

As school and autumn have gotten into full swing, I've sensed myself getting more and more ornery. I blamed schoolwork, other people, my job. Never for a moment, until today, did I stop to consider that maybe my emotional state was connected to my spiritual walk. Revolutionary, I know. This is a constant cycle for me, whenever my relationship with Christ falls off my priority list, my emotions take a nosedive. 

The amazing thing is, even when I forget to write in my prayer journal in the morning or neglect worship sessions for daydreaming, God never fails to meet my needs. Days of depression or anxiety are met with unexpected encouragements and good conversations. Joy will embrace me when I'm angry and confused.

So to anyone who feels like giving up or "just can't even" today, take a step back to look at your spiritual life. A moment with God will help more than a cup of coffee or a nap ever could. 

Ready... set....

GO! Is the expected end to the post title. The race has begun, it's time to go-go-go! But this post isn't about the going, it's about the... Well, the ready-setting. Today's inspiration came from this lovely anonymous quote: 

Now that may not apply to anyone else reading, but it's particularly true for me. As long as I can remember, I've struggled with fear. My fears have grown and transfigured with me through the years, shifting from one boggart into the next (yes, that is a Harry Potter reference. So what). From monsters to exclusion to the uncertain future, fear has always had an unpleasant way of controlling how I love my life. 

Lately, fear has manifested itself in the college application process. Finding a way to pay for the school of my dreams and construct a resume impressive enough to get into it has paralyzed me to a degree of procrastination. To echo the above quote, I have been waiting until I felt ready. But what a cowardly move for something so simple! As Paul rightly proclaimed in 2nd Timothy 1:7, "God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline." 

What fear do you struggle with? What is holding you back? According to The Word, we as sons and daughters of Christ have the POWER to overcome our fears, LOVE strong enough to set aside our struggles for what's right, and SELF-DISCIPLINE to get 'er done. If The Lord has proclaimed this over you and I, who are we to deny it? Today, don't shirk away from life and God's calling on your's. Turn from the darkness of fear to the rising sun of courage, and face whatever fear has held you back from. Stop hiding your faith from your unsaved coworkers, tackle the messy topics in your relationships, apply for that college! You may never be ready, but God always is. So ready... set... 

"And so with the sunshine and the great bursts of leaves growing on the trees, just as things grow in fast movies, I had that familiar conviction that life was beginning over again with the summer." -F. Scott Fitzgerald

For me, summer is the season when God seems to mold me the most. Perhaps it's my distance from negative influences, more time in my days, perhaps it's the abundance of camps and conferences I attend, whatever it is, the Lord speaks loudest to me in the summer. I realized yesterday- the first day of August!- that summer was winding down. The season was an uphill bike ride, slowly moving forward, taking its time, but out of nowhere, the hilltop appeared and the swift downhill journey began. My days are zipping by, and before I know it school will have started and I will be busier than ever with my senior year. So while I have the time, I'm going to forever commemorate these lessons in this blog. 

1. The world does not revolve around me.
• I am a selfish human being, always wanting my way and expecting things to happen as I want them to. This summer, I've begun to learn how to sacrifice what I want in order to love others like Jesus wants me to.
2. God has plans for my future, and I need to trust them.
• There were a few things concerning my future that I'd been keeping quite a tight grip on, hidden away from the Lord. God used a few encounters with amazing people to show me that what He has for me is the best possible thing FOR ME. His plans are higher than mine, and He holds my future. 
3. There is opportunity for joy in everything.
• This is something I witnessed in the greatest of tragedies and the most average of days. This summer, I watched people I love overcome loss and avoid terminal depression in it. I also saw my sweet, sweet grandparents laugh at everything, smile in every conversation, and just enjoy life. God offers joy every minute, every second. I just have to set aside my bitterness/exhaustion/selfishness and embrace it.

There's a ton of other little things that I learned this summer, but these are the main points from which most of the smaller points flow. I hope at least one person reading this could learn a bit from my spiritual epiphanies this summer, and that you'll come closer to the Lord through it. 

-Madison